Diary: That Dark Feeling

DIARY: I woke as normal feeling a bit flat, thought about how heroin would make me feel better and then got on with the day. I had so much work to catch up on and the pressure of only one paying job made my work laborious. By mid morning I felt even worse and I noticed my methadone had not really kicked in so when luchtime came around, any normality that I was going to experience for the day had definitely gone. I eagerly made lunch hoping that some food and an episode of Bill Mayer's Real Time might pick me up. It didn't except for the funny moments in Real Time and I went back to work after 15 minutes. I thought maybe pouring through the online newspapers might inspire me but that was the worse idea I had. I went to the Herald-Sun and waiting for me was a huge police mugshot of Wayne Carey and some headline about Carey's fall from grace or the shame Carey had brought on himself. It was just sickening ... so much hyped up moralising and typical media parenting from some bunch of holy noble knobs. Then Andrew Bolt ... man he's a fuckhead ... always antagonising, always moralising, always looking for an angle, forever obdurate. Cynical of anyone thoughtful or clever, demoralising those who want to fix this crumby world and give it some shine, always on the lookout for those naive losers who feel we need to balance our natural resources. How depressing. Next newspaper, there's Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church wanting to picket Heath Ledger's funeral with "He's in Hell" banners. There's The Daily Telegraph wanting to explain dual diagnosis / mental health and drug addiction in a few paragraphs that will help Amy Winehouse get better. There's bozzo, Christine Nixon dribbling about something else that makes no sense but somehow a few of the newspapers turn it into a national referendum question. Oh stop right now ... no more. Things did get worse during the day but finally I was able to get some medication. I don't care about cutting back anymore just like I don't care about dropping my methadone. If I had the money I would simply go off methadone and use heroin. My life would become so much more manageable and the dark feeling of depression would be replaced with a level of normality that I crave for so bad.