Monday, 19 January 2009
Diary: Since Xmas
DIARY: Xmas is over and I did it without using heroin. The first time in over 11 years. Did I want to use heroin ... yes but my medication is responsible for my decision not to . This just would not have happened on methadone and everyday I am thankful to Allah/Buddah/Jimmy Page/Jesus/Yahweh & co. for being able to take SROM. Of course there is a downside. There’s always a downside and that’s one of the facts of addiction. This was the first time I have been alone for Xmas lunch. I wasn’t lonely like I thought I would be and it was only for about 4 hours or so. I was supposed to go to my brother’s Xmas lunch but I felt sick and Angela was coming home early from her family Xmas lunch. My brother was having several guests as well, many who I didn’t know very well. I really didn’t care too much being alone for Xmas lunch which is not my usual self. Xmas morning is the most important event for us. We go overboard with presents and Xmas morning we finally resolve the weeks of guessing of what’s in that box under the tree? We dress our dogs up in Santa outfits and as a reward they get ham and chocolates. The hats don’t hold very well and one of them always gets tangled up in the Santa suits but it a tradition for us. Everyone wins - our dogs get ham and we get 2 very cute little Santa dogs. I am starting to wonder about my predicament and where I am in the scheme of my addiction. I no longer crave heroin or even really think about it that much anymore. That’s a definitely an important advancement. The downside is now sleeping way too much and lacking ambition and drive. I was sleeping about 3-4 times a day for a estimated total of 10-12 hours. At least I didn’t have that ominous feeling of continuous depression that I did with methadone. I was glad to swap the day long depression with having to sleep so often. The biggest problem though is losing my drive. My need to socialise, my sex drive, work ambition etc. all suffer and many previous enjoyments are now painfully boring. I had a few days spare so I took this opportunity to learn a new computer program. I already knew the basics and the video tutorial should have been quick and easy but I could not for the life of me keep my interest up. Four times I started but after 30 minutes or so, I had to stop. I just had no interest. I started to get sick of this so I tried a few different techniques by altering my medication. I tried doubling my SRRIs (doctors suggestion) and then tried without it. I tried cutting my SROM by two tablets then by one. None of these worked. My latest trial is to cut my SROM by half a tablet per day which surprisingly had an enormous effect on me. My daily sleeping needs halved, I gained some drive but I feel signs of depression breaking through. The depression only last for a few minutes at a time so I am continuing this strategy for a while longer. It appears there is a delicate balance between the SRRIs and the morphine that determine depression versus being active. I investigated some more about morphine/opiates for depression and found that morphine has long been associated with depression treatment. To counter the lack of drive, I am going for a blood test to see if I should go on steroid treatment. My doctor jokingly said I would make the drug squad really happy if I lost my scripts and they raided my house ... morphine, steroids, injecting equipment, traces of heroin etc. etc. My main interests at the moment seem to be related to drug issues including this blog. I am an avid reader of news and current affairs so drug issues fit in well with my daily activities. As I discover more, I get a much greater ability to analyse the scope of the drug situation. This coupled with my own experience allows me a well rounded insight into the issues. I am starting to see my situation and the events that led to where I am a lot clearer now. I am beginning to better explain why people use drugs by remembering situations that involved my friends and myself. I see the peer pressure of people wanting to fit in, even into their 20s and 30s. I see more clearly now how many people took drugs simply because they wanted to. I recognise those who take drugs on special occasions or because a certain activity is much more fun under the influence. For example, drugs like speed and ecstasy are usually just extensions of drinking and having a big night out. The fact that 99% of drug users never have a major problem becomes much more obvious and I clearly see the distinct difference between drug use and drug abuse. The most enlightened subject for me though is how people perceive drug use and the politics involved. I now find that most anti-drug zealots are nothing more than a joke. It’s not those who are acting with noble intentions which is usually due to a family situation but those who purposely ignore any alternatives or evidence put before them. These people have an agenda and it’s certainly not for the benefit of others. It’s purely for selfish reasons whether it be political popularity, religious beliefs, conservative values or arrogance. The reason most people oppose Harm Minimisation or a new approach to the drug situation is because they can’t see past what they have learned through years of propaganda and misinformation. This is understandable but I find annoying are those who have a strong opinion about something they know jack-shit about. i.e. drugs. You often see these people making ridiculous statements in the News.com readers comments section. I wonder if these people would change their minds if they knew the truth or would they continue with their strong but misguided opinions. I must admit it would be hard to change your views with the amount of lies and misinformation that has bombarded us for all of our lives. The most sinister though are those who spend their life desperately trying to instil misinformation into the public psyche. They are not anti-drug heroes or pillars of society but liars, egocentrics and opportunists. Nearly 3 weeks after Xmas, I finally caved in and decided to use for the first time in about 4-5 months. As my luck would have it, my dealer's phone was off. I tried to contact another dealer but their phone was disconnected. My last hope didn’t answer when I rang. JESUS Q CHRIST!!!! Why was such a simple task so hard? Fed up, I went to my dealer’s house and he wasn’t home. I asked for his mobile number in case he had changed it but I was given the same number I already had. It was nearly dark by this time so I went home and had dinner. I tried the phone numbers again after dinner and decided to go back to my dealer’s house. When I pulled up I saw his car and I was much relieved ... finally! Knock knock. “Do you have anything?” I asked. “No, tomorrow midday”, he answered. Silly me. Why would a drug dealer have drugs? The next day, I decided not to score. I was going well with my treatment and I didn’t really need heroin. I could get by just fine without drugs. [2 hours later] After I had my hit, I noticed that my tolerance hadn’t really changed. I had .4 of a gram like usual which incidentally cost $150. The quality was exactly the same as it had been for the last 5 years or so. What I did notice though was how calm I felt for the next 4-5 hours. The effect didn’t drop off after 15 minutes like it usually did but it also wasn’t as potent in the initial rush. I felt good. I didn't experience the usual guilt associated with blowing so much money on drugs. I had gone so long without and I almost felt proud of this. Was I making excuses for myself or was it justified? That's what I need to work out. Will it be another 4-5 months before I use again? I am hoping at least that long but the memories of my last hit were fresh in my mind. I decided to give my EFT card to Angela for the next few weeks just in case.