DIARY:I like Xmas... My Xmas is much like anyone's I suppose. There's food ... way too much food, wine/beer, family, presents, wearing your new presents and smack. Oh, maybe not the smack for most. I don't use everyday because I am on methadone and I still have to resort to aiming for abstinence. On special days, I get to use. My birthday, Xmas and any other day that I can convince Angela is important enough.This year was going to be my first Xmas alone. Angela and I had a falling out and she told her family it's over between us so any function involving her family doesn't include me. My side of the family were going to my Father's for Xmas but I also have had a falling out with one of my brothers and I could not go there. I was getting used to the idea of spending Xmas alone when my other brother announced he was not going to Dad's and asked me if I wanted to go to his place for Xmas lunch. So once again saved from the stereotype of being a lonely junkie spending Xmas alone.What are the other users doing? I always wonder if they think like me or if they are in my position when it comes to Xmas. I am asking other users what they did for Xmas and to give us a glimpse of how they spent their day.
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Andrew Bolt is a whacker.
A whacker is a light weight, someone not to be taken seriously. I don't call him a wanker or contemptuous or anything so grandeur. He doesn't really reach those standards because really ... he is just irrelevant. Irrelevant where it really counts... in the serious news media. No media commentator or organisation takes him seriously ... do they? Extreme views that are so far out in the either of wobbliness usually stay out there. For some reason his views are taken on board by some but I think we all know why. They have to go somewhere and hey, why not keep them in one spot. It clears up other media sites for proper discussion. I like the idea that AB can soak up the nutters that would normally go wasting our bandwidth with dribble and drive them to somewhere they can take each other seriously. I was astounded when I saw his web stats but then I realised there must be a few million in Australia who still hold Howard's ugly Australia dear to their heart. This is good though as these whacky people can go from Bolt to Ackerman to Blair and back and never have to enter mainstream again. If it makes them happy ... then I am happy.
Someone once said to me about AB articles, "it's not reporting, it's just too silly for that". It was then it that it struck me that he was right ... it's not reporting or journalism ... it is just plain silliness. His reports are like comedy skits, mocking someone like himself ... an Australian Sean Hannity. It was then I learnt not to get upset over his ridiculous articles because they are just like the commentators from the American right. Pro-Bush, pro-war, anti-liberterian comedians commentators who I read often for a laugh. Now I love him. Like Alan Jones spots on Channel 9 each morning, I now look forward to AB's new insight each day. Light relief.
Now here's a great example of AB doing his best:
Andrew Bolt – Thursday, December 20, 07 (06:43 pm)
Eric Beecher on his Howard-bashing gossip Internet site Crikey:
I mean in terms of the balance, we try to be balanced...
Sure, that must be why Beecher was last month awarded a Walkley award for ”journalistic leadership”.
So how’s that balance going, when the Crikey editor isn’t actually busy smashing Howard pinatas? From today’s balanced Crikey:
The Crikey Choice 2007 - 20 Most Appalling People
John Howard 100 8.75%
Tony Abbott 70 6.12%
Kevin Andrews 64 5.60%
Philip Ruddock 52 4.55%
George W Bush 43 3.76%
Alexander Downer 38 3.32%
Peter Costello 31 2.71%
Jackie Kelly 31 2.71%
Janette Howard 26 2.27%
Richard Pratt 20 1.75%
Bill Heffernan 19 1.66%
Marcus Einfeld 18 1.57%
Ben Cousins 17 1.49%
Piers Akerman 16 1.40%
Dick Cheney 16 1.40%
Gary Clark 15 1.31%
Alan Jones 14 1.22%
Mick Keelty 14 1.22%
Andrew Bolt 13 1.14%
Brendan Nelson 13 1.14%
People’s Choice 2007: 20 Most Appealing People
Maxine McKew 46 6.98%
Julia Gillard 37 5.61%
Kevin Rudd 27 4.10%
Bob Brown 18 2.73%
Penny Wong 16 2.43%
Al Gore 14 2.12%
The Chaser 14 2.12%
Bernie Banton 13 1.97%
Matt Price 11 1.67%
Cate Blanchett 9 1.37%
Barack Obama 8 1.21%
Paul Keating 8 1.21%
Peter Garrett 8 1.21%
Peter Russo 8 1.21%
Nicola Roxon 8 1.21%
Andrew Denton 7 1.06%
Tim Costello 7 1.06%
David Marr 7 1.06%
Kerry O’Brien 6 0.91%
Michael Mori 6 0.91%
If I had made this up, Beecher would complain the caricature was too crude. Golly, satire is hard when the real stuff is like this.
1/ AB really misses the point doesn't he. People's choice: The 20 Most Appealing People is a reader's poll, not an editorial.
2/ In true AB style, Crikey's choice: The 20 Most Appalling People is not available to the public and can't be printed so instead AB put's up People's choice: The 20 Most Appalling People but forgets to change Crikey's choice to People's choice. Then he claims they are biased because it is Crikey's choice.
This is such a shoddy attempt at creating a controversy that I am still laughing.
And there's more...
For a detailed analysis, there is a dedicated site that watches AB. Gosh he must have a lot of silliness if there is a whole website just to watch him.: Bolt Watch
Friday, 21 December 2007
My new found knowledge that, depression and long term addicts failing at abstinence based treatments having a physical connection, has inspired me of late. Having a huge amount of guilt wiped away has got me into preaching mode. I feel like Benny Hinn or Fred Nile ... I must show the heathens the truth! So with this crazed, emotional surge of righteousness, I go searching the online news sites looking for opinion pages.
I find out quickly that you need to have several names and email addresses. News site moderators can be a fickle bunch and you never know when they'll decide you're on their blacklist for the day or the week. Then I worked out that they track IP addresses so now I have an anonymous site I go through to post a comment. You may have seen me around using different names but I don't need to do that anymore.
What I found was surprising. Australia is full of bigots, racists, Christian extremists, violent hate mongers and stupid irrational people in general. Maybe it's the mentality of the particular news site e.g. Herald-Sun or News.com being Murdoch white trash media. Face it, any news group that has Andrew Bolt and Piers Ackerman as journalists has serious credibility issues. That being said, they were my ideal audience ... why preach to the converted?
I had fun slamming DFA and other moral based policies. I kept exposing zero tolerance and the 'tough on drugs' sham. I repeated endlessly that Canada, England, Germany, The Netherlands, Switzerland and Spain all had heroin trials ... and they worked. I prompted people to consider that maybe a lot of crime is drug related because drug prohibition creates the value of illicit drugs. I played on the failure of alcohol prohibition and that drug prohibition i.e. 'The War on Drugs' is even a bigger flop. I really push the cost of 'The War on Drugs' in the US as being 1.3 trillion dollars in total. I always put it like this: "1.3 trillion dollars (yes, that's 1,300 thousand million dollars)".
I notice that if someone disagrees with someone else's comment they refer to that comment in a new post. I had very little of that which might mean my message is sinking in? or maybe they just ignore my post as the ranting of a nutter ... a junkie nutter at that.
Drug Free Australia (DFA)
On my quest to inform the world that I am right and they are wrong, I have been emailing DFA as well. Here's what I have sent them:
You are dangerous people.
The "Winnable war on drugs" is the biggest con in Australia. The evidence to prove how wrong you are is so substantial that you people look absolutely foolish. Your ludicrous views are just plain dangerous and the lives you ruin are worse than drugs themselves.
The disgust that hundreds of thousands of people feel for your religious based, hate spewing propaganda is a powerful force. These people affected by the drug problem have had loved ones die through ignorance caused by you or themselves are looking for way out of a medical situation only to be dragged into your sick world of distorted morality and treated as criminals.
The report ‘Inquiry into the Impact of Illicit Drugs on Families’ was so bad it received basically NO support from the medical, social welfare and scientific world. Surely sense must prevail and you actually do actual research into the drug problem. Your report was scoffed at as "irrelevant' and "simply silly". How about you leave medical problems to the experts and you go back to whatever you were doing before you decided to ruin thousands of lives.
Remember history is permanent and your kids will have to live with your stupidity forever.
And then a month later:
I notice you have been a bit quiet lately.
What? No party listening anymore?
Is the thought of Kevin Rudd bringing in a heroin trial scary? Is treating addicts with respect against your sick ideology?
BTW, so much for the Swedish model you love so much. It's in tatters and you want Australia to follow this outdated religious program?
Now that mental health has been proven to be the cause of long term addiction, are you going to change your view? You will look a bit silly when heroin is prescribed to addicts and you're still ranting about harm prevention. I, myself can't wait.
I found some bed time reading for you: Thank God for Kevin Rudd
Surprisingly they have not responded.
Notice the link I included. Great article from DFA Watch which slams DFA as well. Well worth a read.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
Diary: And the depression rolls on....
Once again I wake up to another shit day. Same old story. Sore bones, sore back, bleak outlook. Then I think of heroin for a few seconds and into the day I go. I make a really strong coffee, have my methadone, light a smoke and start working on a database system for a client.
But today is going to be different. Today I am to confirm what might be the most important news of my life.
I am sick...
I thought I would be so ecstatically happy when I found this out. Yes, I was happy but more relieved. I have thought about this for nearly a year and then this research appears. I recently have thought that depression leads some people like myself to 'self medicate' via illicit drugs. This has been tossed around for years but the argument was always that drug abuse came first and that caused the mental health problems like depression. The term 'Dual Diagnosis' is used for the new science of addiction and mental health. Typical reporting of 'Dual Diagnosis' deals with extreme cases of mental illness because average junkies like me were not considered important enough by many. The Australian backed website, HealthInsite talks of the problem known as 'Dual Diagnosis' but emphasises intense mental illness with symptoms like:
- May be alienated and lack support from family and friends
- Won’t cooperate with their health care providers
- Is very emotional
- Is likely to have severe psychiatric symptoms
- May be homeless or moving frequently from one place of residence to another
- Is likely to relapse
- May be hospitalised or taken to accident and emergency departments reasonably often
A recent study in Science Daily from 2 weeks ago that showed results with the opposite results. Mental Illness And Drug Addiction May Co-occur Due To Disturbance In Part Of The Brain.
The study asks the question:
Why do mental illness and drug addiction so often go together? New research reveals that this type of dual diagnosis may stem from a common cause: developmental changes in the amygdala, a walnut-shaped part of the brain linked to fear, anxiety and other emotions.
From the Dr. Andrew Chambers:
Lead author Andrew Chambers, MD, cites clinical reports that at least half the people who seek help with addiction or mental-health treatment have co-occurring disorders.
This report shows that a mental disorder can cause drug use just as drug use can cause mental disorder:
"Brain conditions may alter addiction vulnerability independently of drug history," says Chambers. He and his colleagues concluded that someone's greater vulnerability to addiction, rather than a given drug's ability to alter the symptoms of mental illness for better or worse (usually worse), more fully explains the high rates of dual diagnosis.
So, does this mean ... after all this time ... most of us have been treating ourselves for a biological condition? Probably.
From another report:
Depression can result from an underactive reward pathway that receives little pleasure from natural rewards. People with depression may turn to drugs to stimulate their reward pathways to more 'normal' levels.
We deserve better...
Just think about it. If it all pans out logically, millions of people worldwide have been demonised, imprisoned, banished, bashed, abused and branded as the scum of society for being sick. Their crime was depression or anxiety etc. and I am one of them.
Are we going to get our lives backs? Are we going to get an apology from our friends, family and others who called us losers or weak? Are the police who threw us around like criminals going to apologise? What about the policy makers and the politicians? These people have treated us as pathetic junkies who were just too weak to stop the insidious crime of ... having a medical condition. Are diabetics just as subhuman as us? They inject themselves everyday but I don't hear the calls to banish them to hell. What if tomorrow we find out insulin is addictive, would they ban it? What if tomorrow we find out insulin gives new users a high, would they ban it then? What about Prozac type drugs? They are called 'happy pills and give a false sense of well being yet they remain legal. If they were taken away we would have to fight with nearly 30% of the population.
The more this sinks in, the angrier I get. Howard's abstinence approach telling us we have to aim for zero use. All the propaganda without scientific/medical support via DFA and other moralistic crusaders. The progressively harsher penalties even though there were many studies pointing towards drug addiction being a medical disorder. What about the many friends that abandoned me for not trying hard enough. Will they apologise? What about the small time dealer who decided not to steal or rob people and instead took the highly criticised but principled route and sold to other users to keep some moral balance to their insane life of addiction. They are amongst the most hated people on this planet and most have probably done jail time.
I can't even comprehend how much damage the US has inflicted on their addicts. Most US states don't even have needle exchanges! Small quantities of drugs put users in jail. What about Islamic countries? People who self medicate are executed. I could go on but you get the point.
Time for action...
I urge you to write letters or send emails to those with power. Tell the police what the evidence is. Tell the media what the facts are. Demand your MP finds out the truth and does something. Browse the newspapers and blogs for stories about drugs and make a comment explaining the most recent findings. Tell people you know why you use and explain the medical evidence that you are susceptible to addiction.
- Depression and anxiety are major mental health issues and can make people more prone to drug addiction
- 1 in 5 Australians suffer from depression
- Many people with mental health problems have subconsciously been looking for a treatment all their life and one day stumble across their drug of addiction. This immediately fills the void and becomes their medication. Usually it is illegal, often being alcohol or heroin.
- Mental illness effected drug addicts don't often get high anymore. They just get normal.
- Many drug addicts want to be drug free but will never be able to get clean. It's part of their physical makeup.
- No amount of law enforcement will stop most drug addicts with mental health issues from self medicating.
- Why is drug addiction one of few illnesses where prison is the penalty for trying to treat yourself.
- Are medications like heroin or morphine not given to people with mental health issues because of religious or political pressure?
- Canada, England, The Netherlands, Switzerland and Spain give heroin to long term addicts and is extremely successful.
- Misinformation has been the basis for treatment of drug addiction. With new information, treatment should change accordingly.
I would love some feedback.
- Mental illness, drugs and alcohol - a generation of sufferers about whom no-one gives a toss
- Dual Diagnosis: Substance Abuse and Mental Illness
Monday, 17 December 2007
I was reading an article about Victoria allowing Gay(Gay & Lesbian) couples access to IVF. It makes obvious sense and will be law worldwide very soon. It's only the hangover of a more religious society that keeps these types of policies controversial. Unlike the US, Australia is not an overly religious country and new age evangelists don't get much respect in general.
The article in the Herald-Sun, 'Open slather on family values' is just a PR piece by Family Association of Victoria spokesman, Bill Muehlenberg. It is ridiculous and moralistic crap from the religious right that drives me mad.
I especially love this comment:
Allowing lesbian couples to have access to IVF and other assisted reproductive technologies opens the way for open slather as far as the definition of "family" goes.
Read the article here: Open slather on family values
Anyway I did a search on this guy, Bill Muehlenberg and found a very funny link: Bill's new ministry It's on the Australian Christian Lobby website and Bill says,
During 2005 my family and I felt that God was leading us in a new direction...
and goes on to explain his new ministry.
The real cracker is this:
Like any other missionary, I am now in the position of having to raise my own financial support to cover the loss of 3 days of income per week! Our family has similar financial needs to most others in Australian society...
...Will you please ask the Lord if you should contribute towards this ministry in one of several ways:
A regular monthly contribution of some amount.
A commitment to regularly pay a ministry-associated bill, eg., Internet usage, newspaper subscriptions, mobile phone use, etc.
A one-off donation to cover establishment costs.
A donation "in kind", of equipment or skill (see below)
There are practical ways you can help as well. As I am now working out of home, one room will for now become my office. This will require some structural alterations, including doors to separate it from the rest of the family, so a carpenter would be very helpful! We can also use some office equipment, such as:
* a good, working 4-drawer file cabinet.
* a good, quality laser printer .
* a good working fax machine.
* a good working photo copier (if there is room!).
* an air conditioner.
For those of you with a lot of faith (and/or a lot of money), our home is actually pretty cramped at the moment. The ideal would be to build an extra room as an office, or to find an office to rent close by. (So any carpenters, millionaires out there, have a prayerful think about this!)
All this is a step of faith for my family and me but we believe it is the right way to go. Please ask the Lord if he would have you contribute in some way, no matter how small...
Oh, how I love these people so much. They make my dull, depressing day a little sunnier with each chapter they open in the land of sillyness. From the article I like:
Will you please ask the Lord if you should contribute towards this ministry in one of several ways...
which is evangelistic for 'GIVE ME MONEY'. The best though is,
For those of you with a lot of faith (and/or a lot of money), our home is actually pretty cramped at the moment...
Really good stuff.
I was sick yesterday and my methadone did not do it's job. So last night I was impatiently waiting to go to bed so I could wake up the next day and have my dose. I got up through the night about 5-6 times and morning seemed like it would never come. It finally did, so I had my dose and I started to feel better until I got a phone call from someone chasing money. My long depressing wait for normality was shattered again. Now I am desperately waiting for tomorrow morning.
Saturday, 15 December 2007
Diary: A Small Reprieve...My client is finally coughing up the lousy $300 and I have had another job extended worth $400. So I get to live on for another week."I'm wondering if anyone reading this thinks I am a whinger when others have it so much worse than me? It's all relative I suppose. Fact of life: someone is always better than you, better off than you, smarter than you, funnier than you, more likeable than you and someone is always not as good as you, worse off than you, dumber than you, less funnier than you, less likeable than you. If i got a job, i would bring home about $600-$1000 clear each week. This would solve my financial problems and take away so much stress and depression.Diary: Cheated...Well, its Saturday morning and we get up and checked our bank account and guest what. Yep, both the promised payments have not been paid. Today was such an important day to get paid. I had spent our last $50 on methadone and literally only had $2-3 dollars in coins. We had no food for our pets, enough for maybe a week of meals if we used every last can, egg, slice of bread etc., half a packet of smokes, no petrol, no ... everything.Diary: Saved...Angela checked the bank on the internet and I asked her who paid. She said to guess. "First client" - "no". "Second client" - "no". mmm aghhh, I got it, "No client" - "no". I don't get it. Funny enough, another client paid. They paid an invoice 2 weeks early and luckily we were saved.Diary: My Importance...Am I that unimportant that clients would just not pay me even though they knew how vital it was to me. Without getting into details, I had done so much more than I was being paid for and continued to give 110% and all I wanted was to be paid. One client has had my invoice for 3 months and received another one 10 days ago with a note from a director to settle my account. Next a phone call from me just annoyed the accounts bitch as she told me there were invoices before me that need to be paid. I mentioned sending it 3 months ago but she overrode me with "anyway we pay suppliers on Fridays" and hung up. I felt like an insect. I do really good work and offer service like no other developer but she doesn't see this so I am just another whining pest to her.Always being short of money means I have to constantly ring clients chasing money. Some accounts people are great but some are just rude, nasty pieces of shit(PoS). A piece of shit is left over waste that really smells ... the useless gunk that is excreted through an arsehole. People avoid shit as much as possible. When you are considered a pest by a piece of shit, it's really degrading. I am not getting used to it but planning revenge is my way of coping with such disdain. I dream up scenarios where I tell the PoS a horrific tale of whoa that the missed payment has casued. This accounts PoS who didn't pay me this weekend will probably get a dish of my revenge ... served cold. I think I am going to tell her my 9 year old daughter can't go to her mother's in Perth because the payment was supposed buy her a plane ticket. I will be in hospital over Xmas and she will now have to spend Xmas at her Grandfather's retirement village. It is going to be the worst Xmas ever for my daughter. All her presents are in Perth and she is going to miss Santa. I can hear the sobs already and I really, really hope it fucks up her day. I am going to explode about how deceitful she has been and how much it has effected a little girl who will miss out on a normal Xmas. That's my plan at the moment but will probably change tomorrow.Diary: Xmas Shopping...Shopping is like military service. Angela is a veteran soldier but I am not. After 3 hours, my feet hurt, i was sick of dodging robot shoppers, I could no longer wait in queues and now I was hanging out. Luckily with this early payment I was able to score when I got home. My awful day finished with shot of heroin that took away the abnormal feelings after shopping all day and replaced it with a sense of well being. I got a bit high this time feeling slightly euphoric for about 10 minutes. After that I gladly made a beautiful roast and settled down to some prime time DVDs.Diary: Well Being...The feeling of well being is a pleasure I crave and it costs me $150 each dose. Luckily for most people it is free and is the normal I so desperately desire. I dream about the day when long term addicts like me can buy clean, cheap medication. I can only imagine starting off each day with my medicine and topping it up once or twice each day. This might seem extreme to some but remember most heroin addicts don't get high anymore just normal. Before heroin I was always on a natural high but that started to slip into drinking binges or sometimes speed weekends. Now I just want a normal life. I want the right to feeling normal and well being.Is that too much to ask? Considering other countries already do this for people like me. The only thing making my life not worth living are some people in Canberra who I don't know. I wish I could just sit down with them and explain how miserable thousands of addicts are because of propaganda spewed out by religious nutters. I wish I could convince them to spend just 30 minutes researching it on the internet. Such a simple action would save my life.
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
Diary: It just never ends...
From Dec 6 2007: "AND a client might be finally paying their invoice ... 4 months late but still it's worth $300."
Well I still haven't been paid and it's causing major drama in my life. How I wish I could just go to work everyday, earn a wage and feel normal when I get up.
The Bali 9 have asked that the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, not forget them. Most of them are sentenced to death for drug dealing in Indonesia.
I was reading the comments in The Herald-Sun and I was blown away by the bitterness and cries for blood from readers. So many readers were completely heartless and full of self righteous hate:
"Do the crime, do the time... I doubt many Australians feel much compassion for these fools"
"I'm christian and i have zero issues with them been put to death"
"They deserve the death penatly! Drugs KILL thousands per year"
"..Let them DIE"
And my favourite:
"They committed the worse possible crime, drug traffickers are mass murderers. They carry a tool that kills many. They must die. Death to them. I'm Australian and happy for them to die. I hope they get to see this also and understand very few Australians care for them"
All these mindless, uninformed trash seemed to blame these people for the drug misery in Australia. It is just incredible.
"they were ruining the lives of drug addicts so they deserve it"
"I say THEY DESERVE TO DIE and in the manner of the thousands of drug addits die in"
"...and when you see what drugs are doing to young people on our streets alone they all should be shot and forgotten about"
The other sickening trend was to use Howard's terminology, "sending a message".
"An example must be made, they must die. It's as simple as that. They have done the crime, now be an adult and take the punishment"
"I feel absolutely no sympathy for them, and if anything the fact that they got caught and are on death row / have long jail sentences means that less people will attempt to do what they did"
To sum it all up:
"I'd like to ask everyone where do we draw the line? We have people here who say drug trafficking is not a serious crime or that they made a mistake, but do we actually do anything to deter others with dollar signs in their eyes? We have all witnessed a proliferation of drugs/addicts on the streets, we have seen, heard, been, or know of victims of drug addicts who go to extraordinary lengths to get their next hit; are we just to expect this as the norm? The lack of law enforcement and a soft judiciary is played out before us daily and we have resultantly seen massive increases in crime throughout the country so again I ask, where do we draw the line? Do we just accept ever increasing crime as part of life, or de we do something to stop it? Unfortunately for the Bali 9, they probably will set the benchmark and hopefully will deter others from being tempted to run drugs. I think we as a nation need to harden up and re-introduce a tough stance on crime so that law abiding citizens can lead their lives without fear. Bring in mandatory sentencing"
I added my 20¢ worth (1200 characters or less):
"Before we condemn people to death, ask yourself, do you really know the facts?.
Why are so many countries now tackling the obvious problem ... people are always going to use drugs, whether it's alcohol, tobacco, marijuana or something else. No matter what the penalties are, people will always take something and addicts will feed their habit. No amount of law enforcement will stop them. It's been like that since the dawn of time. Some countries like Canada, Britain, Netherlands, Spain and Germany are now even giving addicts prescription heroin. The realisation is that problems caused by drugs is mostly because of the price and legal drugs like alcohol have far more problems including addiction. But alcohol problems are treated as a health issue and it is cheap so they don't have to resort to drug dealing to buy their drug.
So should drug dealers be executed? Should moonshiners face a machine gun? Should pubs that serve minors be hanged? Arguably they supply a drug that causes more damage than all illicit drugs combined.
Drugs are a problem but being constantly told by politicians and religious groups that it's O.K. to snuff out someone's life is barbaric."
What has happened to Australia? Am I just deluded that Australia hasn't always been like this? I am fairly sure that after decades of demonising drug addiction, it has paid off for the politicians and religious who need enemies to crusade against. I wonder has Howard's nasty Australia policy including "tough on drugs" helped to make us so hateful?
You can read this articles here: