Friday, 22 January 2010

Diary: What Does Heroin Feel Like? (Part II)

Diary: The most googled search that finds it’s way to The Australian Heroin Diaries is “What Does Heroin Feel Like” or something similar. So I decided to again write about my experience under the influence of diacetylmorphine (heroin) and compare the results. I have only added a few formatting changes and one missing word. Otherwise, it is written as I experienced it (except the epilogues).
One Cool Evening

I felt the tingles all over my body but it’s stopped now.
This is good gear or maybe it’s just my meds have worn off more than usual.

I get a sudden image from a scene from Lost(TV show). John Lock is about to undergo suggery whilst Ben and co look on. After the surgery something is going to appear in the magic box. The funny thing is, Ben is on the operating table

I realise I have constantly been blocking my ears by holding my breath and clenching my jaw.

I light a smoke. I have a great big stretch rubbing my face and head intensely.
My ear blocking is becoming a background action.
I close my eyes and stretch again, twisting shoulders, neck and head. From a distance, it would look like I’m retarded. This thought makes me stop. Should I include an image to show you? Stupid thought!!!
I have a drink of raspberry.
Suddenly everything is dead quiet. I can hear a repeat of Lost coming from the lounge room. Now I can hear the fan on the PC beside me.
I butt my smoke out.

I felt straight again for a 5-10 seconds until the ear blocking kicked in again.
I notice I am scratching a lot. I’m also sweating.
I have another drink ... and a smoke.
I am staring at the cigarette before the ear blocking breaks my focus.
I’m scratching everywhere but I am not annoyed by it for some reason.
I had just nodded off for a minute or so. I had weird images of Lost racing through my mind. I can still hear it in the background.
Another drink.
I am pleasantly relaxed except for the nagging worry that I have forgotten something that is going to catch up with me. I have this constantly so I just live with it and accept that it is just part of my depression.

Did I just write that?!?!
I get a sudden rush of euphoria. It forces my eyes shut and my head starts hanging down. I must look like a real junkie now. mmmm, whatever.
I’m nodding in and out of sleep. It’s a nice feeling. I can’t think of another term except ‘nice’.

Wow, it feels like we just had an intermission.

Two intermissions!
I can’t remember why I stopped at 8:59pm? I probably fell asleep again or got side-tracked and forgot that I was writing about the experience. Anyway, it must be pretty boring to read about someone else’s high. It is almost impossible to describe that feeling that heroin brings you. I often read that it wraps you in a cotton ball while being in a state of total bliss. I think somehow that description comes from those who have never touched heroin. I can’t ever recall feeling totally isolated or being in a world of total bliss. The description possibly comes from the same people who say that it takes away all your worries and that’s why users are attracted to it. I wish I could pinpoint it that easily.

Can anyone give me an apt description of what a heroin high feels like? And please, no social workers/family of addicts/counsellors who think they understand from their experience dealing with users.

One Sunny Day

The Hit - Very easy this time. First go and wham!

Instantly I got tingling and itching all over my body. Lower spine, upper back and shoulders, head, upper arms, feet and ankles. In about 2 seconds it quickly covered all of my body. I actually felt a bit scared at first and for a second I thought, this is it... over I go. But as usual, it calmed down and seconds later I was scared it was all about to go away. Jeepers! When it appears before me in words, it strikes me as being so junkie like. Think about it - It took less than 5 seconds from fearing I was going to die to being worried I was not going to be high.

Very calm and relaxed. I have had a volatile week and it was great to feel some inner peace. I don’t worry that it won’t last, I’m just glad it’s now.

My eyes keep closing and I nod off when I am sitting down at the computer. I have had to retype this twice now because my hand rests on the keyboard when it happens. Or was it 3 times? Ah, who cares.

Getting sleepier now and nodding off for 30 seconds or more at a time. Crazy dreams! Try this one; several people including myself are carefully analysing a black and white video of some professional female cyclists cheering and celebrating the 911 attacks. It is pointed out that a man in the background is carrying an orange roadside “witches hat” that he passes to someone walking past. It’s the only coloured object. He then takes it upstairs, knocks on a door and gives it to someone when they open the door. He then unlocks a cupboard and takes out several pizza boxes and slowly heads downstairs. One of the people watching the video monitor asks to slow it down and zoom in on the pizza boxes. Slowly a pixelated image appears of a Space Invader(1970s video game) logo with big type beside it reading “Do Not Deliver”. All this started outside but turned into a nightclub by the time the pizza boxes appeared.

BTW, it took me nearly 15 minutes to type this story.

This is getting harder to do. Heroin isn’t like amphetamines, MDMA or LSD etc. where you might suddenly have a revelation or an epiphany. There’s no special magical moment that “clicks” and you discover the meaning of life. The peak of the high is spent falling asleep or nodding off. If you go to bed, you will have wild dreams which feel like they last hours but are usually only a few minutes. Even while writing this, I have nodded off and had several short dreams.

I am not cooking tonight and Mrs Wright is not very happy. Since it’s Monday, a lot of take-aways are closed so she can’t order her usual favourites. Anyway, she has finally ordered something and is waiting impatiently whilst every now and again reminding me that she is hungry.

I’m being a real junkie tonight. Several times I have lighten up a cigarette although I already have one on the go. I keep nodding off and forgetting what I was writing. The incident I mentioned before about tingling and itching all over my body. Man, there goes my Order of Australia nomination from the PM!

Dinner has arrived and Mrs Wright is demanding I come now.

As I paid the deliver dude, I thought I saw something out the corner of my eye. Delivery Dude then informs me that a massive spider is on the edge of the door, 3 inches from my head. Luckily I still understand the imperial system and ran like fuck. I threw him the bottle of napalm I have especially for spiders and he proceeded to exterminate the deadly, poisonous, evil life-taker.

I think I’m straight now.

It’s probably a good time to go.

I hate spiders as you have probably gathered. Luckily, the delivery man was once a Watchman or an X-Men and slain the beast with napalm (fly spray) and various warrior like weapons (his shoe). No ordinary man could stand strong through an experience like I had and the heroin was no contest for adrenalin and fear. I can vividly remember that night, the splattered blood, the evil monster, a near death experience. That is why I stopped writing where I did ... and it was dinner time.

I have noticed that while being smacked out, my writing is isn’t much different to when I’m normal. I’m not sure how to take this? Do I always write like a junkie on hammer or am I able to function adequately whilst being on heroin? Looking back over what I wrote, I made very few mistakes or at least corrected them as needed. I know this would not be the case if I had been drinking ... or on acid, PCP, magic mushrooms etc.

Does anyone else function well when on heroin?

Related Articles
Diary: What Does Heroin Feel Like? (Part I)
Diary: What Does Heroin Feel Like? (Part III)


Firesnake said...

Lou Reed wrote "Heroin" in 1964. First released with Velvet Underground in 1967.

Best version IMHO - "Rock 'n' Roll Animal", live in March 1974 with Steve Hunter, Dick Wagner on awesome guitar. Album's Under $12 bucks in iTunes store. YouTube has Heroin Live in 2 parts. Sweet Jane, Rock 'n' Roll,... all tracks:

Rock 'n' Roll Animal Review. "Like a Formula One car...".

HEROIN: Part 1:

HEROIN Part 2:


[Bold? 43 years on and the more things change....]

"I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm goin' to try for the kingdom if I can
'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man
When I put a spike into my vein
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same

When I'm rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus' son
And I guess I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know

I have made big decision
I'm goin' to try to nullify my life
'Cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the dropper's neck
When I'm closing in on death....

You can't help me not you guys
All you sweet girls with all your sweet talk
You can all go take a walk
And I guess I just don't know
And I guess I just don't know

I wish that I was born a thousand years ago
I wish that I'd sailed the darkened seas
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that
I put on a sailor's suit and cap

Away from the big city
Where a man cannot be free
Of all the evils in this town
And of himself and those around
Oh, and I guess I just don't know
Oh, and I guess I just don't know

Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then I'm better off than dead

When the smack begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Jim-Jims in this town
And everybody putting everybody else down
And all of the politicians makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bodies piled up in mounds, yeah

Wow, that heroin is in my blood
And the blood is in my head

Yeah, thank God that I'm good as dead

Ooohhh, thank your God that I'm not aware

And thank God that I just don't care
And I guess I just don't know
And I guess I just don't know


Velvet Underground - "Heroin":

Reed - 'Heroin' Live: 1974;
"Rock 'n' Roll" Live: Reed, Hunter, Wagner, Band - Awesome. Hear this once and die - you've lived a full and meaningful life...

Anonymous said...

I function too well on it. And I can't think a better word than 'nice'.

Terry Wright said...

Thanks Firesnake,
One of my favs!

Thanks Anon.

Jason said...

Hi Terry,

I should preface my comment by saying that I haven't had any gear for almost 10 years now (wow, time flies!). While the memory has faded somewhat, I don't think I'll ever forget it completely.

For me, the ritual and the chase was a huge part of the high. Nothing can beat that invincible feeling of driving home with a nice stash it gear ready to roll.

I was probably an atypical user in that I didn't enjoy getting so high that I couldn't do anything but nod off. I have some other health issues which heroin temporarily resolved, that was a large part of its attraction to me.

As soon as I took the needle out and stood up waiting for the warm rush and the taste at the back of my throat, I felt complete (cliche I know). It is a difficult thing to articulate and I haven't read any description that does it justice.

Thanks for the post!


TBL said...

Brilliant post, I too function very well, probably better than I do straight. Currently I am trying to stop, finding it very hard. To the point I wonder is it worth it considering that it only really effect other people in my life in a purely psychological manner, ie they don't actually suffer any direct consequences of my dependencies, rather they are uneducated and thus scared of what could happen...

Blogging it all:

Terry Wright said...

Howdy Jason

Sorry about the delay in responding.

What is it with that? The thrill of the chase, the taste in the back of your throat/nose? Every now and then, I remember a situation from a familiar smell. It's always heroin related and it reminds me of the feeling I had then. It makes me nuts but depressed that I can't get that feeling anymore. Also, it seems to be just as important to get the smell at the back of your nose as it is to get high. I just don't feel the same unless I get that smell.

I must admit that when I first started using, the chase was really important. It's all too easy now.

Thanks for the compliment TBL.
There's always that BS argument that using drugs feeds organised crime or terrorists. That came up because the propaganda has always attributed using with chaos. But as it got out that many normal people were using drugs without any harm to anyone else, they had to rethink their warnings. Suddenly it became a victimless crime which horrified the anti-drug nutters.

Anonymous said...

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