And in the End...

And in the end, the love you take ... is equal to the love you make.

-The Beatles

This is the last line from the intended last song on the last album recorded by the Beatles.

And this is also the end of The Australian Heroin Diaries.

My journey is over now that I have achieved what I set out to do. I no longer use heroin and have a dwindling interest in our drug policy set out by silly politicians. It is a new chapter in my life that involves a new location, a new attitude, a new start and possible even a new love interest.

I have learned a lot since I first started this site back in 2007. I have also met some inspirational people who kept me writing day after day. But, in the end, what has changed? 

There is a slow but steady change in attitude building throughout the world. The constant barrage of scientific data and quantified research is chipping away at the misconceptions that been pounded into our psyche for the last 100 years. The constant reminder of a failed drug war is taking hold as society starts to question why the problem only ever gets worse. The current scrutiny of the Murdoch empire is finally raising awareness about the incredible power that the trash media can wield, ultimately influencing governments in their drug policies. Ex presidents, ex prime ministers and some brave politicians are starting to take a stand and speak out against the draconian drug laws that are wreaking so much havoc and carnage throughout the world. Social commentators and editorial writers are speaking like never before. Yes, many things have changed and attitudes are still evolving albeit, very slowly.

Unfortunately though, there still remains many groups and individuals who refuse to accept the science and facts. These largely ideologically driven protagonists are often driven by a force much more powerful than facts and research. They formulate many of their views from religious faith which in itself is just a personal conviction with no evidence or facts. Faith has no place in a field like drug policy which is a medical issue and needs to be based on cold, hard evidence. If anything, someone who has faith in a loving god should practice what they preach. Banging up drug addicts in jail or ruining their lives is as hypocritical as it gets.

I need to thank so many people for a variety of reasons but it would require several pages to list them all. Although I received some criticism and nasty comments, the bulk of readers have offered nothing but support. It has been an emotional journey for me and as corny as it sounds, I could not have gone on for so long without the incredible kindness of so many people. 

Thanks to:

Paul Gallagher(Firesnake)

Ant Rogenous

Gledwood

Bron

Michael Gormly(Kings Cross Times)

Paul Dessauer

Puja from Mumbai

Bob Affenhaus

Zoot

Michelle(The Red Pill Survival Guide)

Dave Gaukroger(Dave From Albury/Pure Poison)

Greg Iverson
Tonia Suzanne Zoldosh
Maureen Jo Begley

The Happy Revolutionary(THR)

Guy Ferguson

Tory Shepherd

Mr Ghostface

John(Pins Grins and Sins)

Naomi(Junky Life Naomi)

Fiona Patten

Sandra Kanck

Andrew Bartlett

Kerry Wolf

Dr. James Rowe

Gino Vumbaca

Tony Trimingham(Family Drug Support )

Nicholas Cowdery

Mark O'Brien

Jason

RV
Clarencegirl

Long Time Anon Poster

Reb(Gutter Trash)

Mr. Orange

SickGirl(Methadone Pretty)

Christians Against Prohibition

Kieran Bennett
Donna Weiss Kloppenburg

Ross Sharp (The Wittiest Writer on the blogosphere) 

Ben Pobjie

Michael Slezak(Good Bad and Bogus)
Grods Corp

Jeremy Sear
Scott Bridges
Bridget Gread

Cosmic Jester

Weez(Machinegun Keyboard)

Jim Brown(On Probation Blog)

Stonetree Harm Reduction

Marginalutility (The Virtues Of Vice)

We Speak Methadone (Forum)

Kat Daley

James(Australian Drug Blog)

David Nentwig

Marion & Brian McConnell(Families and Friends for Drug Law Reform)

Free Schapelle Campaign Group

Nigel Brunsdon(Injecting Advice)
Matt Gleeson(Stonetree Harm Reduction)

Monica Barratt

Interfaith Drug Policy Initiative

JUNKe Life(Opiated)

Mina

Roguevert

Jack Dorf
Leon Bertrand

The Irish Needle Exchange Forum

William(With Just A Hint Of Mayhem)

Caty

Donna

Broken

Canna Zine News

My groovy friends at the Bluelight Drug Forums

Canadian Spades

New Zealand Drug Foundation

RMIT

Why We Protest

Canna Nation

Jane Shelling

Leah McLeod

Sue Miers

Gary Gahan

Jan Steele

Annie Madden(AIVL)

Jon Markus

Rob(Inn@Six)

Steve Robinson
Rob Marsh
Andy(Slack Bastard)
Ileum(OzPolitik)
Sam Liebelt(AIVL)
The 7pm Project
Blogotariat
Law Enforcement Against Prohibition (LEAP) Australia
Losing In The Lucky Country(blog)
Civil Tongues(blog)
Alan Ide(New Australia)
The National Library of Australia
All Treatment
OZ Stoners(forum)
Johnny Mortgage
Ken Low
Heads Together - The AOD Collective
Rich Bowden(The Angle)
Daniel
Jesus PTY LTD
Gary Toca
Shane(Memoirs of a Heroinhead)
National Library of Australia
New Matilda
Sam Sejavka
Sarah(The Voice of Today's Apathetic Youth)
Mikey(HarrangueMan)
Crikey/Pure Poison
Tobias Ziegler
Toaf
Private Tom
Bruce(Thinkers Podium)
Darryl Mason(The Orstrahyun)
and of course Anonymous who posted so many comments.

A special thanks to Mrs Wright for putting up with me for so long. I will love this woman forever and she will remain an important part of my life.

Also, a special thanks to my family, especially my father who encouraged and supported me unconditionally. Thanks Dad.

If I have left anyone out, you know who you are.

Been Busy

Howdy All.

Sorry but I have been busy moving.

Back soon.

Terry.

Dairy: Waiting for Your Drug Dealer

When you are hanging out or wanting to score, nothing bothers a drug user more than waiting. Most readers here have probably scored at sometime in their lives so you probably know what I’m talking about. But when you’re an addict and the drug involved is heroin, the stakes are raised by at least ten fold. The combination of anticipation and withdrawal creates an uneasy mix that most addicts would encounter on a regular basis. And the question that crosses everyone’s mind when waiting to score is why the fuck is my dealer late ... again! Surely a heroin dealer - who is most likely addicted as well - knows how much angst is caused by waiting for drugs. They too had to score like the rest of us at one stage and know what’s involved. So why are drug dealers always late?

Low level dealers also have to score except now they wait for a bigger dealer. This must keep them familiar with the concept of waiting. But for some reason - one which I have never been able to establish - they are always late. They all do it but unfortunately, my dealer is the worst. Let me give you some examples.

My dealer’s name is Tan. A decent chap who I have known for over ten years. He is mostly fair with the size of his deals and will even provide credit if he can. But he has a problem ... a major problem. Tan has no concept of time. I’m not talking about the “sorry. I’m late ... the traffic!” excuse. Nor am I not talking about your grandfather who might sometimes mutter, “jeepers, is it that time already?”. No, this is unpredictable, inconceivable, unbelievable and totally unnecessary bad time mismanagement. 

A few months back I rang Tan around midday and asked to see him. I was told that he had to go to the city to refresh his supplies and his estimated return was going to be “an hour or so”. This is where the alarm bells should have gone off.

Tan’s not a big dealer and services a small but steady customer base. It’s more of an informal arrangement than a business and most of his ‘clients' have know him for years. But one thing we as clients have all learned is to never rely on him to be on time. 

Normally on a week day, a trip to the city takes 40-45 minutes with peak hour adding about 30 minutes to the trip. With the added time for conducting his business, there was no way he was getting back within “an hour or so”. But this is where a little known scientific fact kicks in. Waiting for drugs can alter the time-space continuum. That’s right; many years of statistical research and scientific analysis has shown that the calculated period for drugs to arrive is distorted by the degree of hanging out. It’s calculated like this: 15 minutes before Tan leaves plus 45 minutes to the city plus 30 minutes to make the transaction plus 45 minutes to return home plus 15 minutes for me to get to Tan’s house equals - “an hour or so”.

The junkie waiting equation (aka “an hour or so”):

15 + (45 x 2) + 30 = 60

As usual, the wait was excruciating. And in case you weren’t aware, every drug minute takes three normal non-drug minutes(another little known scientific fact). Anyway, it was finally “an hour or so” since I first rang Tan so I called to see if he was ready. 

Terry: “Can I come over now?”

Tan: “Soon ... we are just about to leave”

WTF!!! He hadn’t even left yet! Remember, I had rang him at midday and he was supposed to back by now. I can’t remember the exact words I used after I hung up but they weren’t family orientated. That I know for sure. My day was not off to a good start.

Eventually, it hit 2:00pm but I decided to give it an extra 10 minutes. It had been two whole hours since I had first rang so he was due back any moment and giving it an extra 10 minutes should accommodate any unforeseen delays. Somehow though, I knew in the back of my mind that it was not enough so I bravely waited another 5 minutes. Then another 5. Finally I gave in at 2:30pm. Two and half hours after the initial call should surely be enough time.

Terry: “Can I come over now?”

Tan: “Soon, we’re on the way”

Terry: “on the way back?”

Tan: “No, just on the way”

You must be starting to understand why I hate Tan so much. How hard is it to drive somewhere and come back again within an agreed timeframe?

Why is this happening today? I had skipped my scheduled meds for this and was now starting to suffer withdrawals. I was in pain and Tan’s simple task of driving to the city and back was the key to stopping it. 

By 3:30pm I was sure my time had come. After all, I had rang at midday and the estimated “hour or so” was now 3 and a half hours. Tan couldn’t possibly be that useless.

Just to add some background to the story. I had originally told Tan that my partner needed the car at 3:00pm. I asked him specifically if he was going to be back before then because I couldn’t come over after 3:00pm. Of course, Tan had assured me he would be “an hour or so”. Again at 2:30pm I told him about the urgency of the situation but he assured me he wouldn’t be long.

It’s now 3:30 and Mrs Wright is going apeshit on the phone for not having the car. I tossed up whether to ring Tan or just head on over to his house. Surely he was back by now - it was over 3 and a half hours since I first called.

From years of experience I had learnt a few rules that helped to keep me sane. First of all, always double the expected time. Ten minutes is at least 20 minutes and half an hour means an hour or more. Secondly, never ask Tan to hurry if I have a set timeframe. He just doesn’t have the ability to grasp deadlines.

3:30pm

Terry: “Can I come over now?”

Tan: “Soon”

Terry: “Where are you?”

Tan: “I have just arrived to pick up. I’ll be back home in an hour or so”

Arrrgghhhhh!!! #@$##%$%

I finally caught up with Tan at 5:30pm. Five and half hours after the first call. The longest “an hour or so” in history.

This was just one example of how useless my drug dealer is. The last time I scored I told him I had only 30 minutes to get to his house, have a fix and get home. Again, my partner needed the car for work. “Yup, come on over“ Tan said. I leapt into the car, stopped at a ATM for cash and got to Tan’s house within 15 minutes. I knocked on his door and waited impatiently. Five minutes goes extremely slow when you have 15 minutes to fix then get home before your partner murders you. What the hell is he doing? I knocked again, yelling out that I’m in a goddamn hurry. Finally, Tan appears and says that he will be back shortly ... he has to go and get it first. 

Then there’s the time that I wanted to use without Mrs Wright knowing. She had gone out for an hour so I rang and asked if Tan could come over straight away. “Yup, I’ll be over in 10 minutes”, he said. I emphasised that I had less than an hour and if he turned up after that, the deal was off. I asked him to tell me now if he couldn’t make it and I would see him later instead. He assured me he would be there in time.

30 minutes later and no Tan. Feeling slightly panicky, I rang to see how far away he was. He told me he was just about to leave. I waited for 15 more minutes and knew that this was my last hope before Mrs Wright appeared. So I rang Tan again and said Mrs Wright was due home in less than 15 minutes. He then explains, “I can’t come over. I don’t have a car at the moment”. Seriously … what do you say to that?

I have searched the pages of many medical journals on the internet looking for a time disorder that affects drug dealers. There doesn’t seem to be one. So what the hell does Tan have? What could make someone so oblivious to the concept of time? Apparently though, there are many drug dealers who suffer this infliction. Considering the carnage caused by this terrible disorder, I am seriously thinking about starting a charitable foundation for them. Does anyone want to recommend a name for the foundation because I have a few suggestions.

DIARY: Christmas Day and Beyond

Following on from the last article: DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land (you might want to read this first)

Just a quick update on how Xmas day went.

First of all, I have to thank my family for giving me probably the best Xmas I have had. My Dad and his wife travelled over 500Kms to be here via bus and train. Most importantly, Dad’s wife brought along her home made Christmas pudding which was just sensational. My brother and his wife also came along which was great because I haven’t seen them for about 3 years. We had a fight many years ago so I was a bit nervous seeing my brother after such a long time. His wife (my sister in-law) was her typical friendly self and made the reunion as pleasant as possible. She is one classy lady and the best sister in-law you could ever want. In fact, both of my sister in-laws are everything you could hope for. Mrs Wright’s mother also came along but due to her age, she was confined to the dinner table for the day. I think she enjoyed herself even though she was surrounded by a packed dinner table, my family and 3 excited dogs.

Now for the most important details … presents. A generous Santa always comes to our house and this year was no exception. I got a new Apple Magic Mouse which has a touch surface for scrolling. I also got a new DVD burner, wireless phone for the office, some socks and, of course, some money for a hit. My family gave me some CK after-shave, Tea-Tree shampoo, natural moisturiser(dry skin from years on methadone) and Belgium biscuits. What a score!

Xmas lunch was everything I anticipated. An entree of prawns, oysters and salmon on a bed of lettuce. Roast turkey, ham and veggies for main course. And then the Christmas pudding with custard. My father is a seafood addict and repeated his satisfaction with the entree at least 13 times before I stopped counting. I recommended an excellent addiction treatment centre for him to kick his seafood habit. 

In the end, I didn’t take up my option to use heroin as it was after 7pm when everyone left. Instead, I had a few extra pills from my weekly prescription which calmed me down after such an intense day. I eventually took up my option a few days later which meant I didn’t have to take all my daily meds. This made up for the 2 extra pills I had taken on Xmas day.

This might be the last Xmas I will spend with Mrs Wright so it was very important to me. After 13 years together, she has decided that she needs someone who can provide the things that I can’t anymore. Being Italian means that family functions are an important part of her life and I just can’t be there like she requires. Also, my drug history has been an issue for her family ever since we first met and I will never meet with their approval. I fully understand that she needs certain things that I can’t give her so it’s best for me to eventually move out. Although we remain best friends, I can’t stay here and witness any new person in her life.

One of my brothers and his wife are moving to the NSW coast so I am seriously thinking of going with them. Their new house has a small unit attached which they wanted to rent  it out so it’s an ideal situation for me. Luckily, I get to take our beloved pooches which is excellent for me but a real downer for Mrs Wright. Without having kids, these 2 dogs have been an integral part of our lives and I can’t imagine how either of us would cope without them. On the bright side, this move will hopefully be the start of a new phase in my life that will enable me to deal with my depression and maybe even lead to the end of my reliance on opiates.

One advantage of my job is that I can work from anywhere with an internet connection. This means I can continue to service some of my clients regardless of my location. I have a few pending projects and hopefully I will be able to complete them from my new locale.  It also means that I can continue with The Australian Heroin Diaries. 

For the first time in over a decade, my future is scaring me. I love the house where I live and can’t imagine living anywhere else. I also can’t imagine not sharing my life with Mrs Wright. Am I making the right decision? Only time will tell.

BTW, thanks to all those who wished me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Same to you!

Related Articles:

DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land

DIARY: Christmas 2009 - The Verbose Thank You List

DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land

Well it’s nearly Christmas and the end of another year. This means different things to different people but have you ever wondered what it means for recovering junkies?

For some, it’s a small miracle that they got this far as this time last year their future was measured one day at a time. If you had asked them what they will be doing in 12 months time, you would have got a shrug and a response of “whatever”.  Others might have told you that this year was the year to get clean. That meant no more heroin and a reduction in their methadone/buprenorphine until they were finally free. But for most recovering junkies, I dare say that they would have had no opinion either way about where they would be in the next 12 months. This is how I felt anyway.

The problem with heroin/methadone/morphine addiction is that you tend not see too far into the future because you already struggle getting through one day at a time. Even planning a week ahead is sometimes too difficult but we attempt it as best we can. Living with opiate addiction is like driving in a storm - lost, confused, disorientated with only a second of clarity when those wipers swish past. You think you know where you want to go but not being able to see the best route only adds to the feeling of being lost.  

So here we are again, faced with Xmas.

This year, Xmas day at my house will be hard to distinguish from any other average home. We will wake up early, open presents and drink lots of strong coffee. Mrs Wright and I will take turns at picking presents for each other from under the Xmas tree. We go to great lengths to make sure we have lots of smaller gifts which are all wrapped individually. It’s a great way to stretch out the morning. Later my family will arrive and this year is going to be a Xmas lunch similar to what we had when I was a kid. Oven baked turkey, roast potatoes, roast onion, peas, gravy and ham. Desert is Christmas pudding with cream. The only addition is a seafood entree. Pulling on Christmas crackers is still compulsory including the rule that everyone must wear the enclosed paper hat. Even the decades old jokes from the crackers must be read out. This is all accompanied by plenty of red wine and beer. Incidentally, our shopping cost us over $400 this year … what was I thinking hosting Xmas at my house!

But underneath this perfect vision lurks something that only us opiate addicts will experience. While most of us will smile politely and attempt to join in with the festive activities, our minds are constantly drifting off elsewhere. Desperately trying to cope with the uneasiness that we suppress, we will utilise all the tricks we have learnt from years of hiding our addiction. Smiling and appearing relaxed is compulsory behaviour. There is no bigger giveaway than sitting alone while you fidget with whatever is at easy reach. The awareness of your situation by friends and family only increases the focus on your actions. You can hear their thoughts questioning every move you make; Is he high? Will he disappear any minute to look for a fix? Why is he wearing long sleeves? Is he nodding off? Why is he fidgeting?

One major downfall of being reliant on a permanent opiate fix is that alcohol tastes atrocious. I don’t know if this is the same for everyone but for me, wine tastes like balsamic vinegar. Beer and spirits might not taste that much differently at first but after a few, I am reaching for the water bottle. Even that glorious past time of drinking too much becomes a chore. Alcohol was my favourite drug once upon a time and I gladly indulged like any other young Aussie male. I know Xmas would be much more bearable with a few drinks. From out of all the booze on offer, it’s red wine that I miss most. It has cost me many, many thousands of dollars and a good 20 years to acquire a respectable palate, only to have it ripped away and replaced with the taste buds of a 13 year old. Remember how disgusting red wine was when you first tried it? The real crunch is that being a diabetic, I can’t drink soft drink either. Try going to a pub and drinking water! 

When you’re on substitution treatment like methadone/buprenorphine etc., you spend a lot of effort trying to keep mentally balanced. Once you have your dose, you must make the most of the initial effect and this is vital to how your day turns out. Then you have the delicate task of managing the numbing effect that lingers afterwards. Any disruption to your day can send the most stable of recovering addicts straight to their local dealer. Xmas is hectic enough for a normal person but when you have to manage every minute of the day or risk slipping into a state of depression that demands a hit of heroin, you have a real task on your hands. That is of course if you intend on not using that day. 

Like a true junkie, the Xmas tradition means I do get to treat myself to a special present. But it’s not a present that most people would want. Yes, of course I’m talking about heroin. But is it really a tradition or is that just my excuse to use? I like to think it’s a reward for surviving another year. Go on - frown if you’re not a user or addict. I can see the looks of disgust now - weak junkie making excuses for himself.

I would love to know what other addicts do for Xmas. Do you spend the whole day with family or do you visit for just a few hours? Do you reward yourself with heroin or is it just another day? What about those who don’t use? Does this anger you? Is it just a piss weak excuse to use drugs?

What it all boils down to is that addicts, whether they are in recovery or not, act differently. Each year that passes by can be an achievement or just another year closer to death. Many will have reduced their maintenance dose of methadone and be closer to that day where they are totally clean. Others will be in the same position as last year or the year before. There are no hard rules in place except in the fantasy world of policy makers and a critical media. They subscribe to the simple theory that one solution fits all and if you can’t act within the guidelines then you deserve what you get.

I hope to enjoy this Xmas. It’s the first time in many years that I will have most of my family at my house. They may not understand my situation but they mostly accept it and Xmas should play out like many other celebrations around the country. Whether I use or not or the fact I need a daily dose of morphine to feel normal will not make any difference to them - just as long as I smile a lot and don’t fidget.

Finally, I want to wish everyone a safe and merry Christmas. Also, a big thanks to those who have emailed me and to everyone who visits this website.

Related Articles
DIARY: Christmas 2009 - The Verbose Thank You List

Diary: Since Xmas

DIARY: Xmas is over and I did it without using heroin. The first time in over 11 years. Did I want to use heroin ... yes but my medication is responsible for my decision not to . This just would not have happened on methadone and everyday I am thankful to Allah/Buddah/Jimmy Page/Jesus/Yahweh & co. for being able to take SROM. Of course there is a downside. There’s always a downside and that’s one of the facts of addiction. This was the first time I have been alone for Xmas lunch. I wasn’t lonely like I thought I would be and it was only for about 4 hours or so. I was supposed to go to my brother’s Xmas lunch but I felt sick and Angela was coming home early from her family Xmas lunch. My brother was having several guests as well, many who I didn’t know very well. I really didn’t care too much being alone for Xmas lunch which is not my usual self. Xmas morning is the most important event for us. We go overboard with presents and Xmas morning we finally resolve the weeks of guessing of what’s in that box under the tree? We dress our dogs up in Santa outfits and as a reward they get ham and chocolates. The hats don’t hold very well and one of them always gets tangled up in the Santa suits but it a tradition for us. Everyone wins - our dogs get ham and we get 2 very cute little Santa dogs. I am starting to wonder about my predicament and where I am in the scheme of my addiction. I no longer crave heroin or even really think about it that much anymore. That’s a definitely an important advancement. The downside is now sleeping way too much and lacking ambition and drive. I was sleeping about 3-4 times a day for a estimated total of 10-12 hours. At least I didn’t have that ominous feeling of continuous depression that I did with methadone. I was glad to swap the day long depression with having to sleep so often. The biggest problem though is losing my drive. My need to socialise, my sex drive, work ambition etc. all suffer and many previous enjoyments are now painfully boring. I had a few days spare so I took this opportunity to learn a new computer program. I already knew the basics and the video tutorial should have been quick and easy but I could not for the life of me keep my interest up. Four times I started but after 30 minutes or so, I had to stop. I just had no interest. I started to get sick of this so I tried a few different techniques by altering my medication. I tried doubling my SRRIs (doctors suggestion) and then tried without it. I tried cutting my SROM by two tablets then by one. None of these worked. My latest trial is to cut my SROM by half a tablet per day which surprisingly had an enormous effect on me. My daily sleeping needs halved, I gained some drive but I feel signs of depression breaking through. The depression only last for a few minutes at a time so I am continuing this strategy for a while longer. It appears there is a delicate balance between the SRRIs and the morphine that determine depression versus being active. I investigated some more about morphine/opiates for depression and found that morphine has long been associated with depression treatment. To counter the lack of drive, I am going for a blood test to see if I should go on steroid treatment. My doctor jokingly said I would make the drug squad really happy if I lost my scripts and they raided my house ... morphine, steroids, injecting equipment, traces of heroin etc. etc. My main interests at the moment seem to be related to drug issues including this blog. I am an avid reader of news and current affairs so drug issues fit in well with my daily activities. As I discover more, I get a much greater ability to analyse the scope of the drug situation. This coupled with my own experience allows me a well rounded insight into the issues. I am starting to see my situation and the events that led to where I am a lot clearer now. I am beginning to better explain why people use drugs by remembering situations that involved my friends and myself. I see the peer pressure of people wanting to fit in, even into their 20s and 30s. I see more clearly now how many people took drugs simply because they wanted to. I recognise those who take drugs on special occasions or because a certain activity is much more fun under the influence. For example, drugs like speed and ecstasy are usually just extensions of drinking and having a big night out. The fact that 99% of drug users never have a major problem becomes much more obvious and I clearly see the distinct difference between drug use and drug abuse. The most enlightened subject for me though is how people perceive drug use and the politics involved. I now find that most anti-drug zealots are nothing more than a joke. It’s not those who are acting with noble intentions which is usually due to a family situation but those who purposely ignore any alternatives or evidence put before them. These people have an agenda and it’s certainly not for the benefit of others. It’s purely for selfish reasons whether it be political popularity, religious beliefs, conservative values or arrogance. The reason most people oppose Harm Minimisation or a new approach to the drug situation is because they can’t see past what they have learned through years of propaganda and misinformation. This is understandable but I find annoying are those who have a strong opinion about something they know jack-shit about. i.e. drugs. You often see these people making ridiculous statements in the News.com readers comments section. I wonder if these people would change their minds if they knew the truth or would they continue with their strong but misguided opinions. I must admit it would be hard to change your views with the amount of lies and misinformation that has bombarded us for all of our lives. The most sinister though are those who spend their life desperately trying to instil misinformation into the public psyche. They are not anti-drug heroes or pillars of society but liars, egocentrics and opportunists. Nearly 3 weeks after Xmas, I finally caved in and decided to use for the first time in about 4-5 months. As my luck would have it, my dealer's phone was off. I tried to contact another dealer but their phone was disconnected. My last hope didn’t answer when I rang. JESUS Q CHRIST!!!! Why was such a simple task so hard? Fed up, I went to my dealer’s house and he wasn’t home. I asked for his mobile number in case he had changed it but I was given the same number I already had. It was nearly dark by this time so I went home and had dinner. I tried the phone numbers again after dinner and decided to go back to my dealer’s house. When I pulled up I saw his car and I was much relieved ... finally! Knock knock. “Do you have anything?” I asked. “No, tomorrow midday”, he answered. Silly me. Why would a drug dealer have drugs? The next day, I decided not to score. I was going well with my treatment and I didn’t really need heroin. I could get by just fine without drugs. [2 hours later] After I had my hit, I noticed that my tolerance hadn’t really changed. I had .4 of a gram like usual which incidentally cost $150. The quality was exactly the same as it had been for the last 5 years or so. What I did notice though was how calm I felt for the next 4-5 hours. The effect didn’t drop off after 15 minutes like it usually did but it also wasn’t as potent in the initial rush. I felt good. I didn't experience the usual guilt associated with blowing so much money on drugs. I had gone so long without and I almost felt proud of this. Was I making excuses for myself or was it justified? That's what I need to work out. Will it be another 4-5 months before I use again? I am hoping at least that long but the memories of my last hit were fresh in my mind. I decided to give my EFT card to Angela for the next few weeks just in case.

Diary: Street Dealing

DIARY: I was sitting in the car waiting for Angela a few days ago and noticed 2 suspicious looking men walk past me. I can spot these people a mile off ... clean, new looking runners, freshly washed KMart jeans, short hair, often bulky and looking healthy but unshaven. They have the look and manner of someone going somewhere but not sure where. Slow meaningful paces but ready to stop at any moment. You may have noticed these people before. Always in pairs, one solid and one with a medium build. At first glance they might be a couple of likely lads looking to score but they just don’t quite fit the part and something isn’t right. Then it dawns on you ... they are undercover cops. I was in a suburb adjacent to a well known street dealing area from the days of the so called “heroin epidemic”. Although the area was cleaned up many years ago, it seems business may be on the rise in nearby suburbs. Not really unexpected I suppose considering the balloon effect. Squeeze in one area and another pops up somewhere else. I hadn’t seen a dealer in this adjacent area for at least 5 years. Not that I was particularly looking but drug dealers tend to stand out to a heroin addict. I sat there for about 20 minutes and the two cops walked past twice in both directions. I tried to stay as inconspicuous as possible without looking obvious. Maybe I was somewhat paranoid but my memories of undercover cops is not pleasant. Last time I dealt with these types of people, they were punching me in the throat whilst on the ground. I had 2-3 police officers with their knees in my back and legs as my friendly protector of the law was hammering away at my windpipe. After a short time, another friendly officer started on my stomach with his boots. They wanted my stash that I had swallowed when I was pulled over. For them it was merely a case of inciting a natural bodily function called “throwing up”. 20-30 powerful smashes into my throat with their fist or 10-15 kicks to the stomach with industrial boots should have done it. Who needs water-boarding when you can bring on the feeling of suffocation or death from kicking and punching? I don’t know how prevalent street dealing is anymore. I was initially shocked when I first found out heroin was bought from a stranger on the street as I only ever known buying drugs from a dealers house. As far as I had experienced, you had to know a dealer or have a friend who could score for you. It was never from an unknown on the streets. At the peak of the “heroin epidemic”, you could go to some well known suburbs and there would be literally dozens of heroin dealers bidding for your business. You got to know some of the dealers after while, even to the point where they knew my car and would run up to me before I even parked. Many of them were 14-16 year olds, often Vietnamese/Australian school kids. If I wanted to score early in the morning, I would go to the bus stop where I knew I would catch some students on their way to school. Many of the dealers I would see at night were also students. I only dealt with Vietnamese dealers because I had been ripped off way too often by “Aussies”. The Aussies were considered the dregs of the pack and would always give you small deals or do a runner with your cash. I still had some problems with the Vietnamese but nothing like the Aussie dealers. Some of the Vietnamese dealers were the bread winners of the household even though they were often just kids or in their early 20s. As a prime client, I was sometimes given a phone number and allowed to go directly to their house. This is how I met my current dealer and have been friends with him and his family for about 8 years now. It might seem racist but I found Aussies and European dealers unscrupulous compared to the Vietnamese/Cambodians/Chinese. Dealing with Asians also had another advantage in that you could be sure they weren’t undercover cops. When I was scoring on the streets, I sometimes saw dealers or buyers being busted. It was almost always by replicas of the two undercovers that I had just seen. Maybe it’s a police recruiting requirement to look a certain way before you can go busting junkies? It’s always worried me how someone could volunteer to catch run-of-the-mill drug users but I finally got to understand the type after meeting them on the wrong side of the law. Probably the last time I scored on the streets, I witnessed a bust that confirmed it was time from me to leave the scene. One of the arresting undercover cops was Asian and the busted couple looked more than unhappy. The arrest scene was suddenly filled with undercover cops, uniformed officers and flashing police lights. The street scene would never be the same. The street dealing was eventually cleaned up in the targeted areas but like the balloon effect predicted, other areas soon became the new hot spots. But heroin use was on the decline and the new hot spots were much more subtle than before and attracted less attention. The more experienced dealers started giving out phone numbers to clients and the huge number of undercover cops left over from the clean up eventually soaked up the last few street dealers in the new hot spots. I knew this day was coming where the open heroin markets would become the focus of an attempt to push this problem back underground where everyday day folks wouldn’t have to be subject to desperate junkies looking for a fix. It was too easy and too open. Many of the users around this time were caught up in the sudden popularity of heroin and the cheap, strong gear was too much of a temptation for many. The following months, many of these users gave up heroin and the street dealing went back underground for the long term addicted. The following few years saw heroin use go back to normal levels and this was instantly dubbed the “heroin drought” with the AFP and John Howard claiming victory for the “tough on drugs” strategy. It took a few years though before truth came out that the flood of heroin was replaced with a flood of methamphetamine as Australia’s largest suppliers of heroin simply switched products. As the AFP and Howard were busy with publicly patting each other on the back and telling Australians how they stopped the massive drug cartels in S.E. Asia, methamphetamines(ice) had slipped in and become the major illicit drug problem. The targeted approach had only squeezed the balloon and I watched as suburb after suburb reported first, a huge heroin problem and then a successful clean up from the police. Eventually, the first few suburbs popped up again and the cycle continued. It wasn’t until methamphetamines became a major problem that the heroin street dealing cycle started to diminish. The claims of success from the government were short lived of course as the drug hysterical media started reporting ice as the new national drug scourge. Back in my car watching the two undercover cops, I had to wonder what exactly they were doing here. With the AFP seizing less than 4 days worth of Australia’s daily consumption and current busts of the Mr. Bigs being insignificant, the need for media attention is critical to the perception of success. Nothing makes the government, the police and the anti-drug groups happier than a headline reporting a drug bust ... regardless of how important it is.

A Day in the Life ...

There has been some interesting feedback about the Who Is April Morrison article. For those who don’t know, April Morrison is a secondary school teacher and a functioning heroin addict. After reading the article, David contacted me, telling a similar story about himself and his partner that also challenges the stereotype image of junkies. David and his girlfriend are I.T. professionals and heroin addicts but not necessarily in that order. Between them, they have a double degree, 2 diplomas including one advanced and a swag of highly regarded industry certificates. They both work for large multinational companies and have senior positions. This does not sound like the kind of desperate, dangerous junkie that I hear about so often in the nations media. This is a day in the life of David in his own words.

You can say I’m some what of a "normal" person, I have family, a job, live with my girlfriend and do some part time study in my free time. I keep myself semi-active on weekends enjoying a game of basketball or badminton with mates. 

However, there is one thing about me that I dare not advertise to the faint hearted. ... I’m an heroin addict. 

I am currently 26 years of age and have been working in the I.T. industry for the last 9-10 years building my career. You can say that I look totally "normal". My arms don’t have track marks, I don’t have a face full of zits and I wear a suit on a daily basis. I spend most of my day working for a multimillion dollar I.T. firm that is known worldwide, my job is tough ... but my secret life I hide from others is a whole lot tougher. 

7:00AM Monday morning, my alarm goes off. As I struggle to pry my eyes open I need to get ready and dressed for work. Instead of heading straight to the bathroom, I instead roll over to my night stand and pull out my "kit". Yawning constantly from withdrawal symptoms I go ahead and prepare a shot of heroin. The shot is ready, I inject the solution into my body .... instant relief ... warm tingles and a sense of well being. I am ready to tackle my day head on. I sit there for 10 minutes, enjoying a cigarette. After 15 minutes of psyching myself up I head to the bathroom for my morning shower. 

When I get into the office, a pile of work is sitting there waiting for me in my inbox. My day has truly begun. As lunch time arrives, my mobile rings with Joe displayed on the caller ID. "G'day mate, can we meet up?" Joe says. "Yep sweet, how long", I reply. Joe is a long time acquaintance of mine and we have known each other for a good 5 years or so. You can say we are friends but there is another reason he wants to meet up with me. No, we are not meeting up to have lunch together ... he too is a heroin addict. I head down stairs and out to meet up with Joe. A few minutes of chit chat and he then hands me some money. I, in turn hand him a small package I had prepared earlier that morning for him. I am as cautious as possible and look around to make sure no one from work sees me. Joe himself is a working man, with a wife, 2 kids and a mortgage. Sometimes I feel like he sees me more than he sees his own wife, but such is life for an addict. I may possibly meet up with 1 or 2 other people before I head back to the office. Same deal here as with Joe. Im not meeting these people for lunch but to give them their daily medicine. I head back up stairs to the office to have lunch. By this time my stomach is churning and groaning. The funny thing is I’m not hungry or have an appetite. I need another fix before I can even think of putting food into my mouth. I quickly grab my "kit" and innocently head to the toilet. Mulled up and prepared, I have my shot. Instant satisfaction ... man I’m hungry and could do with some lunch now. I am in board meetings most of the day. As I sit there listening to someone blab on, stroking their own ego about how much of a good job they have done, my mind drifts. I wouldn’t mind a hit right now, I ponder. As I look around the room, I wonder... what if these people know about my secret? If I told them would they understand? Would I still have a job if I told them I just shot up half a gram in the toilets before lunch? I think not! I know for a fact I would be out on my arse and jobless. 

Being a Gemini, I should be able to easily keep up with this escapade of hiding my other self. To be honest, hiding my secret seems like a full time job in itself. Its not easy putting on a smile or concentrating on a large project when hanging out ... withdrawal symptoms suck. To maintain a normal life, I have to deal. I’m not a big time dealer, but I make enough for our personal use. I put myself in a position where I do not spend a single dollar of my hard earned legitimate salary. Unfortunately though, an addicts life never quite works out to be how you want it to be and half my salary at least is spent on gear each week. As the clock ticks by my work day is coming to an end. I finish up my workload so I don’t have much to do the next morning. I then head home. 

I cook up dinner with my partner, sit down on the couch and watch TV or a movie. With dinner finished, I clean up the dishes and head straight to my room to see Lady H one last time for the night. I prepare, shoot and head back outside to continue to the movie or play some games. As I start to get worn down, I get ready to turn in for the night and hit the sack. Ahhh thank god Monday is over, I wonder what tomorrow will have in store for me? 

I had been chasing the dragon for 8 years and started injecting H for the last year and a half. I use to be scared and against needles, having so many friends die from overdoses or seeing so many of them getting locked up for crime to finance their habits. I actually despise those that steal from family and friends for heroin, or anyone that steals at all. I can proudly hold up my head and say that I have never once tricked, lied or stole for my drugs, I was raised by great parents which taught me to work hard from an early age and do not act deceitfully towards anyone. I believe in karma. 

Over the years, I have developed depression and anxiety. These days my anxiety has been getting quite bad so I have pushed my ego aside and I am currently seeing a psychiatrist. I have a lot of issues that I need to deal with and I know that it would be a good idea for me to quit. I have detoxed a total of 27 times over the years with each detox harder than the previous one. I haven’t given up but for now I have just come to accept that I am an addict and will not quit until I am truly ready to ... someday. 

Who Is April Morrison?

Last year one of my neighbours told me she was so happy that we don't get any "junkies" in this neighbourhood. When I asked her how she knew this she this she said we would know if they did because they would break into our houses and leave "AIDS infected needles" laying around. I tried to tell her that was a stereotyped view but she told me I was being unrealistic and would know better if i knew any junkies.
-April Morrison

Each morning, secondary school teacher, Aril Morrison gets up early for work. She showers, has breakfast, pats her cat good-bye and heads off for another day at a job she loves. April has been a school teacher for many years and is well respected by her peers.

I get a lot of positive feedback and praise from parents, staff and students for being a dedicated teacher who the young people respect. People often tell me that my job must be difficult because adolescence is a difficult age group, but I really don't find it to be that much of a challenge. All of my appraisals have been extremely positive. A few years ago I was also made a year level coordinator.

April lives in one of the better parts of a large regional city in NSW with good neighbours and close to the city centre. Although single at the moment, April has recently separated from her fiancé after a relationship of nearly 10 years. Her ability to have children is fading with time which was an issue of contention with her ex fiancé but for April, getting married and having children is not a priority.

I'm not sure I believe in marriage. I think it is too religious based and this is evident by the current refusal to let same-sex couples get married. I am reaching an age where I may miss out on having children if I do not do it soon, but I am ok with that. It may be a decision that I regret later on in my life but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have thought about adopting or fostering a child. There are many children out there who already need a home to live in, but my former partner was only interested in having his own children. I am not bitter about the breakup and I still have a lot of respect for him.

April is a contributing member of her community with the same concerns and worries as anyone else. She is polite, caring and humble, a hard productive worker, a tax payer with has no mishaps with the law, is an important part of a caring family and a role model for her students ... in fact she is probably a good role model for all of us.

Really, I am just a normal person, and I do also see myself as being a good person. I care about the world, I care about doing a good job and being a positive role model for my students, and I care about my friends, family and pet cat.

But something is different about April. After a hard day’s work, she doesn’t head straight home, she heads the opposite way to a neighbourhood that is not so good. April is going to her drug dealer to purchase heroin. Why would April purchase heroin? Because, April is a heroin addict. For over 10 years now, April has had to rely on heroin to maintain a balance in her world, our world. April Morrison might be your next door neighbour, work colleague or friend. You would have no idea that April was dependant on heroin and you probably never will. Her fiancé was one of the few who did know and although not a drug user himself, he accepted her decision before they committed to a relationship.

My partner and I had been in a relationship for nearly ten years and he struggled to accept how my use impacted on our financial situation. We definitely didn't struggle, but he made much more money than I and was unhappy with me spending my money on heroin. He did not use any substances besides the occasional beer, cigarette or puff on a joint. He knew that I used before we started the relationship but he grew less and less tolerant of it as time went on. I admit that I did hide it a lot to avoid arguments, but this approach was not very successful. When you have lived with someone for seven years they are able to read your body language quite easily. The pinged eyes are a complete giveaway. Another issue for us was that I did not want to have children while I continued to use heroin.

April might also be your local school teacher in charge of your children’s education. Even as you read this, your child may be looking up to their teacher, Ms Morrison, asking for her help on some school related issue. Do you feel uncomfortable knowing a heroin addict is teaching your children? I know most of the answers already. STOP. Why do you think a heroin addict shouldn’t be teaching your teenage children? Do you really have an informed opinion? Do you really know what a heroin addict is? Let me explain. Heroin is simply an opiate, derived from morphine. Millions of people are taking morphine based drugs daily. Teachers in NSW, politicians in Canada, judges in the US, pharmacists in Adelaide, priests in Italy, police officers in Canberra, Aboriginal elders in the NT, prosecutors in Britain, factory workers in Brazil, particles physicists in Germany, editors in Singapore, car salespeople in the Ukraine, grandmothers in Israel, health care directors in Paris, road crossing monitors in Greece, prison wardens in New Zealand and digital typographers in South Africa. Morphine is addictive and many people using morphine form a dependancy. Whilst morphine is the gold standard of pain medication, heroin was withdrawn from use in many countries after the US ruled it a drug with no medicinal value. The US has since waged a war on heroin via the UN which many countries feel obliged to follow. Heroin though, is still used in quite a few countries for medicinal purposes including addiction treatment. In their crusade to demonise heroin, the US led the way with propaganda campaigns and the spread of misinformation which has become the normal practice for other countries. The image of heroin junkies shooting up with dirty spoons and needles in rat infested hovels is the image put forward by governments for over 30 years leading to several generations believing this fallacy because that is what they have been told. In reality, heroin is just another opiate. Yes it’s more addictive and gives an instant effect when injected or smoked but after a few minutes, it’s like any other morphine based drug. In fact, the chemical structure of heroin just allows the morphine to cross the blood-brain barrier quickly and the end result is the morphine itself. The real problem with heroin addiction is current drug policy outlawing drug use that makes heroin expensive but someone working and on a methadone program can avoid the stereotypical image of a homeless, sickly looking junkie. They can pay for the drug and avoid most of the problems caused by having to fund their habit illegally. Heroin is basically non toxic with virtually no side effects except constipation. It’s the same as taking legally prescribed opioid medications. You have to ask yourself, would you even be worried if your child’s teacher was on medication for pain due to an accident? Of course not so really, what is the difference? The difference is perception. The perception that has slyly been drilled into us by government scare campaigns and a drug hysterical media that feeds that perception. Each morning, April visits a small pharmacy on her way to work to receive her methadone. This keeps her stable during the day and enables her to work without suffering withdrawal symptoms. Living in a small city increases the chances of being seen receiving treatment for addiction so April has to be very careful. She would love to tell her family, friends and co workers but experience has taught her otherwise. Also accessing clean needles is a problem where chemists don’t have the same mentality as in a large city. April instead goes to the needle exchange where they understand the realities of addiction. This simple task is also a risk if someone she knows recognises her.

My family do not know about my dependency. I don't want to risk losing them by telling them. When I started using heroin on a regular basis I did lose some friends who I thought would be more understanding and would stick by me. I was essentially the same, but I guess some people saw me as being less of a person. This hurt me a lot.

Being a heroin addict is not easy and certainly not glamourous. Why do people do it? Why not just go to rehab? This may seem a logical question but if you think of the numbers of drug addicts over the years and how millions of them have tried and relapsed, it is no longer a simple question. Firstly, if it was that easy then there would be no problem with long term drug addiction. Secondly, it is not a black and white situation as portrayed by the MSM and anti-drug groups. If we listened to gooseberries like Bronwyn Bishop or Piers Akerhead then you are already a “bad person” because you didn’t “Just Say No”. If you, being a bad person can’t be strong willed enough to pop down the corner and do a quick detox or rehab then you’re a nasty, dirty junkie who needs jail. Research shows us that long term drug addiction is a physical problem and will power has very little to do with it. It is often compared to diabetes where the body doesn’t produce the right chemicals to live a normal life and the patient needs a natural replacement. For diabetics, that is insulin, for heroin addicts that is opiates. What most people probably don’t realise is that drug addiction is a chronic reoccurring disorder and far more complex than a newspaper can explain amongst all the sensationalist hype needed to attract readers.

Addiction to drugs is a chronic medical illness. It is caused by a complex interplay of biological and environmental factors. Studies have implicated several genes in predisposing individuals to drug abuse and addiction.
-Medical Assisted Treatment of America

The general view of drug addiction as a social problem stems back to the US where most of the world’s drug perceptions are based.

Prior to the later 20th century, the general viewpoint of addiction, and particularly for opioid addiction, was that of a social and moral problem rather than a medical condition requiring treatment. The passage of the Harrison Narcotics Act (US) in the early part of the 20th century also tended to stigmatize those with an opioid addiction reinforcing the perception that these people were not only as social deviants, but also criminals whose behavior deserved punishment. Toward the latter part of the 20th century however, there was a growing change in the public's understanding and perception about addiction.Facilitating this change in public perception was the introduction of the medical model of addiction as a treatable condition that helped to bring about an increase in human rights laws.
-Medical Assisted Treatment of America

Why does April say of her heroin addiction?

I use most days and the days that I don't can be very difficult. I am on methadone and this helps. I don't just use simply to avoid physical discomfort. I'm not after any sympathy, but I do have a diagnosis of PTSD. I function very well in the sense that I am optimistic, usually happy and I hold down a full time job, but I have been through a bit of shit and sometimes that plays on my mind. I know I can only speak for myself, but I guess I am making this point because I don't think it is fair to say that people simply choose to use drugs. I didn't wake up one day and think to myself "the sun is shining outside and I have nothing to do. I think I might develop a heroin addiction". It is much more complicated than that. I admit that I dabbled in drugs prior to the traumatic incident, but it was only afterwards that I really developed a dependency. It was a way to get rid of pain when nothing else could (including counselling). It does frustrate me that I have to hide this part of me, but I do it out of fear of being judged. Even though I would still be the same person if I told people (not to mention that heroin use is only one part of my life and does not consume my entire identity), I know that people get hysterical about it. I have experienced that hysteria and have come off second best. I also want to say that I have never resorted to crime to pay for my habit. I have also never dealt. This is not to say that I judge people who do. I have been employed the entire time so my salary pays for it. I also used my savings.

All though April Morrison is not her real name, it is unimportant. What is important is that this lady could be anyone you know. Whether they have an addiction problem or not, they are human beings like you with the same needs especially understanding. The simplistic world of drug users that the MSM and others portray is usually not true and until we embrace drug addiction as a health issue, people like April will be forced into hiding. Prison is no replacement for hospital.

You can ask April questions if you like via the comments.