DIARY: Christmas Day and Beyond

Following on from the last article: DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land (you might want to read this first)

Just a quick update on how Xmas day went.

First of all, I have to thank my family for giving me probably the best Xmas I have had. My Dad and his wife travelled over 500Kms to be here via bus and train. Most importantly, Dad’s wife brought along her home made Christmas pudding which was just sensational. My brother and his wife also came along which was great because I haven’t seen them for about 3 years. We had a fight many years ago so I was a bit nervous seeing my brother after such a long time. His wife (my sister in-law) was her typical friendly self and made the reunion as pleasant as possible. She is one classy lady and the best sister in-law you could ever want. In fact, both of my sister in-laws are everything you could hope for. Mrs Wright’s mother also came along but due to her age, she was confined to the dinner table for the day. I think she enjoyed herself even though she was surrounded by a packed dinner table, my family and 3 excited dogs.

Now for the most important details … presents. A generous Santa always comes to our house and this year was no exception. I got a new Apple Magic Mouse which has a touch surface for scrolling. I also got a new DVD burner, wireless phone for the office, some socks and, of course, some money for a hit. My family gave me some CK after-shave, Tea-Tree shampoo, natural moisturiser(dry skin from years on methadone) and Belgium biscuits. What a score!

Xmas lunch was everything I anticipated. An entree of prawns, oysters and salmon on a bed of lettuce. Roast turkey, ham and veggies for main course. And then the Christmas pudding with custard. My father is a seafood addict and repeated his satisfaction with the entree at least 13 times before I stopped counting. I recommended an excellent addiction treatment centre for him to kick his seafood habit. 

In the end, I didn’t take up my option to use heroin as it was after 7pm when everyone left. Instead, I had a few extra pills from my weekly prescription which calmed me down after such an intense day. I eventually took up my option a few days later which meant I didn’t have to take all my daily meds. This made up for the 2 extra pills I had taken on Xmas day.

This might be the last Xmas I will spend with Mrs Wright so it was very important to me. After 13 years together, she has decided that she needs someone who can provide the things that I can’t anymore. Being Italian means that family functions are an important part of her life and I just can’t be there like she requires. Also, my drug history has been an issue for her family ever since we first met and I will never meet with their approval. I fully understand that she needs certain things that I can’t give her so it’s best for me to eventually move out. Although we remain best friends, I can’t stay here and witness any new person in her life.

One of my brothers and his wife are moving to the NSW coast so I am seriously thinking of going with them. Their new house has a small unit attached which they wanted to rent  it out so it’s an ideal situation for me. Luckily, I get to take our beloved pooches which is excellent for me but a real downer for Mrs Wright. Without having kids, these 2 dogs have been an integral part of our lives and I can’t imagine how either of us would cope without them. On the bright side, this move will hopefully be the start of a new phase in my life that will enable me to deal with my depression and maybe even lead to the end of my reliance on opiates.

One advantage of my job is that I can work from anywhere with an internet connection. This means I can continue to service some of my clients regardless of my location. I have a few pending projects and hopefully I will be able to complete them from my new locale.  It also means that I can continue with The Australian Heroin Diaries. 

For the first time in over a decade, my future is scaring me. I love the house where I live and can’t imagine living anywhere else. I also can’t imagine not sharing my life with Mrs Wright. Am I making the right decision? Only time will tell.

BTW, thanks to all those who wished me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Same to you!

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DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land

DIARY: Christmas 2009 - The Verbose Thank You List

DIARY: Christmas in Junkie Land

Well it’s nearly Christmas and the end of another year. This means different things to different people but have you ever wondered what it means for recovering junkies?

For some, it’s a small miracle that they got this far as this time last year their future was measured one day at a time. If you had asked them what they will be doing in 12 months time, you would have got a shrug and a response of “whatever”.  Others might have told you that this year was the year to get clean. That meant no more heroin and a reduction in their methadone/buprenorphine until they were finally free. But for most recovering junkies, I dare say that they would have had no opinion either way about where they would be in the next 12 months. This is how I felt anyway.

The problem with heroin/methadone/morphine addiction is that you tend not see too far into the future because you already struggle getting through one day at a time. Even planning a week ahead is sometimes too difficult but we attempt it as best we can. Living with opiate addiction is like driving in a storm - lost, confused, disorientated with only a second of clarity when those wipers swish past. You think you know where you want to go but not being able to see the best route only adds to the feeling of being lost.  

So here we are again, faced with Xmas.

This year, Xmas day at my house will be hard to distinguish from any other average home. We will wake up early, open presents and drink lots of strong coffee. Mrs Wright and I will take turns at picking presents for each other from under the Xmas tree. We go to great lengths to make sure we have lots of smaller gifts which are all wrapped individually. It’s a great way to stretch out the morning. Later my family will arrive and this year is going to be a Xmas lunch similar to what we had when I was a kid. Oven baked turkey, roast potatoes, roast onion, peas, gravy and ham. Desert is Christmas pudding with cream. The only addition is a seafood entree. Pulling on Christmas crackers is still compulsory including the rule that everyone must wear the enclosed paper hat. Even the decades old jokes from the crackers must be read out. This is all accompanied by plenty of red wine and beer. Incidentally, our shopping cost us over $400 this year … what was I thinking hosting Xmas at my house!

But underneath this perfect vision lurks something that only us opiate addicts will experience. While most of us will smile politely and attempt to join in with the festive activities, our minds are constantly drifting off elsewhere. Desperately trying to cope with the uneasiness that we suppress, we will utilise all the tricks we have learnt from years of hiding our addiction. Smiling and appearing relaxed is compulsory behaviour. There is no bigger giveaway than sitting alone while you fidget with whatever is at easy reach. The awareness of your situation by friends and family only increases the focus on your actions. You can hear their thoughts questioning every move you make; Is he high? Will he disappear any minute to look for a fix? Why is he wearing long sleeves? Is he nodding off? Why is he fidgeting?

One major downfall of being reliant on a permanent opiate fix is that alcohol tastes atrocious. I don’t know if this is the same for everyone but for me, wine tastes like balsamic vinegar. Beer and spirits might not taste that much differently at first but after a few, I am reaching for the water bottle. Even that glorious past time of drinking too much becomes a chore. Alcohol was my favourite drug once upon a time and I gladly indulged like any other young Aussie male. I know Xmas would be much more bearable with a few drinks. From out of all the booze on offer, it’s red wine that I miss most. It has cost me many, many thousands of dollars and a good 20 years to acquire a respectable palate, only to have it ripped away and replaced with the taste buds of a 13 year old. Remember how disgusting red wine was when you first tried it? The real crunch is that being a diabetic, I can’t drink soft drink either. Try going to a pub and drinking water! 

When you’re on substitution treatment like methadone/buprenorphine etc., you spend a lot of effort trying to keep mentally balanced. Once you have your dose, you must make the most of the initial effect and this is vital to how your day turns out. Then you have the delicate task of managing the numbing effect that lingers afterwards. Any disruption to your day can send the most stable of recovering addicts straight to their local dealer. Xmas is hectic enough for a normal person but when you have to manage every minute of the day or risk slipping into a state of depression that demands a hit of heroin, you have a real task on your hands. That is of course if you intend on not using that day. 

Like a true junkie, the Xmas tradition means I do get to treat myself to a special present. But it’s not a present that most people would want. Yes, of course I’m talking about heroin. But is it really a tradition or is that just my excuse to use? I like to think it’s a reward for surviving another year. Go on - frown if you’re not a user or addict. I can see the looks of disgust now - weak junkie making excuses for himself.

I would love to know what other addicts do for Xmas. Do you spend the whole day with family or do you visit for just a few hours? Do you reward yourself with heroin or is it just another day? What about those who don’t use? Does this anger you? Is it just a piss weak excuse to use drugs?

What it all boils down to is that addicts, whether they are in recovery or not, act differently. Each year that passes by can be an achievement or just another year closer to death. Many will have reduced their maintenance dose of methadone and be closer to that day where they are totally clean. Others will be in the same position as last year or the year before. There are no hard rules in place except in the fantasy world of policy makers and a critical media. They subscribe to the simple theory that one solution fits all and if you can’t act within the guidelines then you deserve what you get.

I hope to enjoy this Xmas. It’s the first time in many years that I will have most of my family at my house. They may not understand my situation but they mostly accept it and Xmas should play out like many other celebrations around the country. Whether I use or not or the fact I need a daily dose of morphine to feel normal will not make any difference to them - just as long as I smile a lot and don’t fidget.

Finally, I want to wish everyone a safe and merry Christmas. Also, a big thanks to those who have emailed me and to everyone who visits this website.

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DIARY: Christmas 2009 - The Verbose Thank You List