Diary: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!

DIARY: 

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!! 

I have been pissed off all day, nagging fuckers of clients, other fuckers not paying me and useless fucking MS Word. I finally do the stupidest thing I could do and borrow $150 and score. Oh yeah, some relief from this fucked up day. 

But I wasn't going to have any sort of day no matter what! I can't shoot straight and I'm hacking up my arm ... I can't see if I'm getting a vein or not because the syringe is starting to fill with blood. In panic, I rip the needle out and blood oozes out all over my arm, dripping on the floor. I rip my tourniquet off and quickly tie my other arm and start pumping my fist. I try again but I can't see if I am hitting a vein or not. 

Sweat is now in my eyes and I am even more desperate to get this shit into me. 'Get the FUCK in', I yell. I know it's not going in right and I can see a small bulge popping up. 

'FUCK FUCK'. 

I plunge it in a dozen different ways. Is this it?. Is this it?. I push harder and half way through, it starts to bulge again. More plunging into this bloody spot and out of patience I just plunge the rest when I think I have even the slightest chance of getting that vein. In the end at least half goes into somewhere in my arm it shouldn't and I think I got some into a vein. Whose fucking knows? I have a huge lump on my arm amongst the blood and sweat, my other arm is bleeding on my shirt ... 

'FUCK!!!' I scream ... Fuck you. 

Why can't I just be happy on methadone? Why can't I just keep dropping my dose to nil? Why the fuck, why? I just realised I am in tears. I'm not sure why, I just am. I should be happy I had something at all but I,m not ... I'm never really happy. Even if I'm high, at the back of my mind is guilt. 

This has to stop ... it has to fucking stop. In 90 seconds I have blown $150 and I am in the most depressed and angry state of mind possible. Good job, Terry. 

Tomorrow is what I am now dreading. The drone in my head. The drone that lets me know that I now need to repay $150 I can't afford... This is what my life is like sometimes. Though it may sound horrible and degrading, it's doesn't bother me until I write about it - probably why I never do it in front of anyone. I really hate it and I see no end in sight. I don't want to be injecting myself with street made heroin to avoid a melt down or worse, to get some normality out of my life.

The Surge is Working...

The Surge is Working ... The next heroin surge is on it's way. An article on the ABC website says so, so it must be. Experts warn that heroin is becoming more available in Australia and users report it to be more potent. (Australian Customs ) Dr Robert Ali from Drug and Alcohol Services SA said "Historically most of the heroin imported to Australia has come from the Golden Triangle, predominantly out of Burma. But it appears by the description of the heroin being used that there's Afghanistan heroin finding its way into Australia as well." -ABC Online I started using heroin during the last big surge. It was so prevalent, they were selling it on the streets in daylight. No need to phone ahead or no need to know someone special, just turn up at one of several places and there they were. Footscray in Melbourne was hot and you could walk through a certain car park and take your pick of dealer. The main street in Springvale was like a heroin open air market. I once counted over 50 dealers on one stroll up the main street. Melbourne's most famous place though was Russell St. I used to be able to drive into the city, park illegally, score and be back at work with 30 minutes ... quicker than buying lunch. Cabramatta train station in Sydney was the best though. Young Asian boys would fight over who was going to be your dealer today ... literary. Ahhh, the good ol' days. Unless they want this again, they better come up with some better policies. I would hate to see the numbers of young, first time users rise to the levels of the last surge. I know that will just do what they did last time. Too many dealers in one spot gets the shop keepers angry and they alert the police and media. It becomes well known and draws in an even bigger crowd. Eventually they hit that spot and the local papers congratulate them for being 'tough on drugs' and everyone cheers. The Daily Telegraph or the Hun declare the police are fighting a national epidemic. The feeling they can beat this scourge is strong but as they are congratulating each other, the market is on the move. The demand hasn't changed one bit and there are still thousands of hungry addicts waiting for a hit. There is an unlimited supply of dealers waiting to fill the tiny holes left by the police action and the lure of easy money is the one thing the police didn't remove. It starts all over again ... just around the corner.

Hydromorphone Trial

What ever happened to the proposed Hydromorphone trials in the ACT?. The proposal for a Hydromorphone trial in the ACT in 2003 was led by the ACT health minister, Simon Corbell and strongly supported by ACT opposition leader, Brendan Smyth. The ACT government took the proposal to the Ministerial Council on Drug Strategy in Adelaide in November, 2003. The state and territory ministers endorsed the right of the ACT to hold the trial, but none were willing to join the program.

Why did the heroin trial only a few years before have so much support yet this trial got the royal cold shoulder. Nearly all the states and territories were labour and they all seemed to toe the line from the Federal Liberal Party who pushed hard with their 'Tough on Drugs' policy. I would guess Howard quietly warned the states and territories that supporting this trial would effect their funding. This is the style of the US who threatened Howard when the heroin trials were first raised in 1997 and it makes sense that Howard has has learnt well from his master.

ACT opposition leader, Brendan Smyth had some wise words for us:

I think it's unfortunate we don't look at options for keeping people alive - that's the fundamental driver on this for me, If this is an option that stops someone from overdosing on extra-strength heroin or getting blood-borne contamination from using a dirty needle, then I'd like to try it simply because we all should aiming at the preservation of life

.

Diary: Update on Morphine vs Methadone

DIARY:

I went to see the specialist the other day. Before you get to take up the valuable time of the Chief Witch Doctor Voodoo God, you must travel through the spirituality cave. Here you encounter the great shaman of chatalot and you must pass his acceptance trials. Very cunning yet wise is the deceivingly young looking shaman, alert and relaxing, probing but not intruding, all the signs of a Hmadas are cleverly interwoven with generality and emotional exploration. To put it another way, It was the usual mumbo jumbo from the D & A counsellor who asked about my general family history, the reason for my addiction and the compulsory recording of my drug history. His role was to sift through the junkies and drunks who had mental problems. Only those with genuine physical problems that had a chance of achieving a positive outcome got to see the main specialist. These specialists are highly regarded doctors in their fields and would cost a fortune . The D & A guy had his own agenda as well. He offered counselling and most people who get referred there probably needed some form of counselling anyway. He was very welcoming and had a knack for making you feel comfortable so I guess he nabbed quite a few clients. As usual though, I spent most of my time preaching about heroin trials and drug laws etc. I'm sure he laughed quietly to himself at the audacity of a junkie preaching drug policy to a professional drug & alcohol counsellor. Oh well. I told him straight out that I wasn't interested in counselling and it hadn't really worked before. I was there for an alternative to methadone but agreed that if I got a sufficient substitute treatment, I would attend his sessions. The result was that he booked me an appointment. There were no promises or even an indication that the Chief Witch Doctor Voodoo God would give me what I wanted. I am sure he must know that methadone and buprenorphine are the only opiates available for addiction. I therefore assume he would know if the Chief Witch Doctor Voodoo God has ever prescribed something else especially slow release oral morphine. So in a few weeks, I will know for sure if I am able to receive appropriate treatment for my illness.

JunkyLife, Headscarf Bans & More Home Grown Wisdom

Junky Life - How Some Cops Value Druggies

There is a website called 'Junky Life' where users get their own blog to record whatever they feel like. Often they start off enthused and full of vim but like many blogs, they slowly fade as the novelty wears off.

One 20 year old U.K. addict wrote something that shocked me. She was away for a only few weeks and returned home to a broken down door, missing possessions and smashed plates, cups and other vandalised items. She soon discovered that the local police had raided her home. They smashed her front door down and soon realised they weren't going to find much from the residence of a 20 year old female with no criminal record. After swiping her kitchen table, smashing all her plates, cups etc, ripping apart a huge canvas oil painting and emptying various containers onto the floor they then left without securing her flat. She was later burgled. 

The fact that these bozo cops didn't even search her safe or obvious hiding places like locked cupboards is just loose arse policing and make you wonder why they even raided the house. To make it worse, she hadn't been at the property for weeks so any theory of drug dealing goes out the window.

Treatment of some drug users is disgusting and in the ever persistent world of catching dealers, there are few or no rules. Naomi has a drug and alcohol problem. She needs medical help and her life must already be so hard to manage without some misalign drive by lawmakers to catch drug users causing her more misery.

Junky Life - Naomi

Turkey to Remove Headscarf Ban

I was reading that the Turkish Government is planning to lift the ban on Islamic headscarfs (hijab) being worn at universities. Thousands of protesters and the media have warned it threatens Turkey's secular system separating church and state.

Bizarre. Why was there a ban in the first place and why did the ban start in 2002? I think we all know the answer to this and it is just more examples of how the US is fucking up our world's political and social stability. The ban is not part of Turkey's strict policy of secularism but a knee jerk reaction to 911. The demonising of Muslims by the US has filtered into many countries with conservative leaders falling all over each other to implement their own personal bigotry ... now with support of the world's largest superpower and their own populations that fell for the US propaganda. At least now that's starting to unravel ...

Banning Muslim headscarfs is a violation of some fairly basic rights ... personal freedoms, the right to expression, the right to worship who the fuck you want. I wonder if they are planning to ban the Jewish yarmulke or the turban? What about wearing a crucifix around your neck or a bindi dot on your forehead?

Funny enough, John Howard didn't support a call to ban headscarfs in 2005. Resident Liberal Party looney, Bronwyn Bishop and two other Liberals wanted it but was knocked back by Howard.  

In a comment that would have made Pauline Hanson proud, Bronwyn Bishop said: 

" I think from all the emails and the phone calls I'm receiving, people are relieved that they're allowed to talk about it, because it's been pent up. They have felt that in their own country they're being disadvantaged. I've got emails referring to the fact that there are kindergartens where you can't have Christmas carols, an argument which was swept under the carpet when it first occurred, because people were accused of being racist. Now the fact is that people want to address these issues and it's important that we do. And that's why I'm talking about the headscarf as an iconic symbol of the clash of cultures."

The three Libs in question describe the wearing of the hijab as an "iconic emblem of defiance". WTF? Even better, Queensland MP Peter Slipper made this excuse, 

"it's inappropriate for headscarves to be worn at schools" and he thinks "Muslim girls, like other children, should wear the uniform and that special rules shouldn't be made for them." So do wheelchairs break the precious uniform rules? 

You know It's very important to conservatives for children to have uniforms ... one day, the poorer people may like a uniform so much they will join the army. So why do conservatives like uniforms on children so much? Scouts, Guides, Alter boys, military school etc.

And what was Howard's reason for not introducing a ban. 

"I don't think it's practical to bring in such a prohibition ... it does become rather difficult and rather impractical." -John Howard

That's it. No long speech about religious freedom like the Bretheren or the DFA loonies enjoy, just it's 'rather impractical'.

More Home Grown Wisdom

(from Sick Braindead Freaks Who Infest Society)

A report in News.com, told of a prostitute who died after injecting cocaine. The two men with her, panicked about getting caught with the drugs and didn't ring an ambulance. The guy who supplied the drugs did admit to supplying a prohibited drug and was sentenced to an 18-month good behaviour bond. The Judge said,

"I feel that the accused will live for many years ... thinking that had he acted differently ... the outcome for the deceased may have been different''.

This is tragic for 3 reasons.

1/ The gutless dickheads should have rang an ambulance. There were many options where they could have remained anonymous but obviously they panicked. That was so weak ... and unnecessary. 

2/ Why were they so scared to ring an ambulance? If Howard, Watters, Bishop, DFA etc hadn't interefered with harm minimisation and tried to bring back a culture of fear, this woman may have lived. I wonder how many times this happens and we don't hear about it. Is it really more important to catch druggies than waste a life?

3/ The image that pops into most people's minds must not be good ... prostitute shooting up drugs while 2 men snorting coke. The real story is that these people are part of families and part of society. They have mothers, fathers, family and friends. They could be your sister or brother. The feedback in news.com was disgusting and sick. I know I rant about this a lot but we have so many self important, moralising freaks in this country, it makes my head explode. Below are some samples of these braindead cowards, spewing their hate from behind an internet connection:

"Great. One less smacky"

-Jack Doff

"Wow. Only if this outcome could happen to all drug users! It certainly would "clean up" the world. Perhaps other druggies can learn from this lesson and just say no to drugs. Life is tough on everyone but that doesn't mean resorting to drugs to cope. Druggies and pushers are filthy animals."

-Steve 

"She got what she had coming, I feel sorry for the guy"

-Baz 

"Live by the rod, die by the sword...."

-Rich of Sydney 

"I strongly agree with al of melborune. The woman decided to take the drug and she was responsible for her overdose. The man did not have duty of care to the lady and it's up to him whether to call the ambulance or not. It is politically correct but unfortunately morally wrong."

david of melbourne 

"She was 28 ?? So she was responsible for her doing. It is shoking to come to the hospital for a treatment and to be put to the side as a tax payer and some junkie gets priority tratment for some "siknes" they put them self in to."

-Milan Drevo of WA 

"you people have it wrong. this womanwhat she gets. we don't need people like her clogging our society. he didn't inject her, she injected herself. if you've ever done drugs with people you know you do them at your own risk. don't expect to take others down with you if you ruin the party that's not cool."

NATHCORE of Brisbane 

"JUNKIE KNEW RISKS OF DOING IT AND STILL DID. ITS JUST LIKE IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BASE JUMP OFF THE CENTERPOINT TOWER AND I HELP DO UP THE GEAR IT IS NOT MY FAULT. THEY DIDNT CALL ANYONE BUT THERE REALLY IS NO LAW SAYING YOU HAVE TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE."

-DJ of Gold Coast 

"Should we go after the dealer that sold John the bad gear or what about the guy who cut it and what about the compadre who swallowed the condoms for the flight here then crapped it out for the cash... Her life was worth what she sold it for and not a cent more. Nobody forced her to sell her body and stick needles in her arms. There are jobs available at Woolworths that present far fewer risks, but she didn't want that. The day you decide to get high is the day you die. Sometimes the day takes years and sometimes it takes minutes but you do die."

-Sir Fred of Earth 

Aside from the horrible comments above, there are some decent and humane comments.

"I can't help but wonder - if it had been a young woman with a more honorable title than 'prostitute' if the punishment would have been any more severe. He supplied a drug to her, and then watched her die without aiding her. Perhaps i'm wrong but that sounds like manslaughter at the very least. The result of this case is a pretty dark commentary on our society and the way people some people are viewed as less valuable in life and in death."

-mez 

"Unbelievable, this is the mean-spirited Australia that John Howard leaves us after 11 years of teaching us to hate what he saw as the under-classes. A country that no longer says "how can I help?" to those who are having a bad run, but "they got what they deserve". The Magistrate is merely reflecting what he sees as current community standards, if any exist at all in the Sodomic city of Sydney any more. Rudd is not perfect, but at least I feel as a nation we might now be taking the path back from "them and us" to just "us" again."

-chris of allice springs 

"Dear David of Melbourne, yes, they did have a duty of care. It's called Humanity, and it means that when one comes across an ill or injured person who requires medical assistance, one calls an ambulance. I sincerely hope that if I were incapacitated, someone might do so for me. That is the least that should be expected."

-Emma of Canberra 

"I am horrified! What has happened to basic common decency? No matter what she did for a living, this lady who died was someone - she was someone's daughter, someone's granddaughter. No one deserves to die in circumstances like that, knowing that the person you are with, no matter who they are doesnt care enough to call for help. My heart goes out to this lady's family. Lucky I believe in karma.....what goes around comes around."

-CJ of Hunter Valley 

"you people who say that she deserved it are nothing but scum! No one deserves it ... it's that kind of bigoted brainless attitude that is gonig to destroy our country ... and for all of you people who are pontificating about drugs, i quote bill hicks "....all those great albums .... take them to the trash and burn them .. because the people who made them .... RRRRRRRRRRRRReal high!" "

-james of london 

Diary: A few Hours of Normality

Diary:

Well it's Sunday morning and the soothing feeling I am having is being interrupted by bursts of depression. Not a blunt thud or a clear on/off of my feelings but more like a cold chill taking 5-10 seconds that actually makes me shiver for a brief second or two. The methadone then kicks back in quickly and I wait for the next chill. This cycle takes about 30 minutes until the chill is permanent. The depression is not as bad once it settles as the switching between feeling normal and feeling flat emphasises the flatness, now it's just one continuing low.

Anyway I have time to finish this, have a few coffees and prepare mentally for another day.

The Salvos, Weak Minded Junkies, Giuliani & Media

Salvation Army vs Brian Watters

I wrote an email to Salvation Army Major, David Brunt (Senior Chaplain - Adult Services) a while back expressing my amazement that not all Salvation Army members follow the dark, hellbound rhetoric that major Brian Watters adheres to. Here are three quotes from David Blunt that opposes Brian Watters damnation of the proposed ACT heroin trials in the late 1990s.

‘My Sydney colleague, Brian Watters, unfortunately sees addiction - and I'm quoting him from our own publication, The War Cry, last week - as sin. We find that abhorrent and oppose it totally.’

‘When the heroin trial was first mooted, the Salvation Army in Melbourne put together a paper saying we wanted to be part of the evaluation of the trial if it went ahead. Unfortunately Brian became the Prime Minister's main adviser at that stage. And subsequently, some of our issues have become very blurred.’

‘We see addiction as an illness, a health issue. Down here we don't see it as a moral issue. In St Kilda we set up what's now become one of the largest needle and syringe exchanges in this country. It seems a little ironic, when we're running such an exchange, that at the same time our colleagues are talking about moral issues’

David actually answered my email today which was a bit of a surprise. It's people like David who gave the Salvos a good name and it's why Australians had a positive attitude towards them for so long. I am sure some people still don't realise that they are actually a church and not just a charity group. That says a lot considering all the 'Jesus babble' we usually get from churches especially the evangelists. It's a pity the Brian Watters brigade tried to put their self righteous arrogance into the Salvos and they became just another religious group to many who once supported them.

David's response was simple:

Good morning Terry.  Thank you for your kind note, which came as a sense of encouragement to me. I find it strange that the debate on harm minimisation is still going on. Don't give up. 

Kind regards,

David 

'No Will Power' / 'Weak Minded' Not a Valid Argument

For too long, addicts have been branded as piss weak individuals who won't do the hard work and kick their habit. Many experts have argued for years that it defies logic that so many people can't just kick it while some can do itwith  relative ease. The critics would suggest we need to get tougher on these long term addicts because to them it's a matter of self discipline - research is just a cop out for them because good god fearing folks would just grit their teeth and bare it. Everyone's an expert especially the moralists but facts are from scientific research and real experts follow the faith of science. Below is just more evidence that addiction is complex and we need to rethink our drug policy.

Story from the ABC News Website      

There is growing evidence drug addiction can permanently change the brain's chemistry.

A joint investigation by Swiss and Australian scientists has shown the chemicals in drugs can override basic suvival instincts. A Neurobiologist Dr. Chris Dayas says drug addiction can reduce a person's desire to perform basic human functions such as eating. Dr. Dayas says normal behaviour is often replaced by an overwhelming need to take more drugs. New research in to the effect of drugs on the brain is one of the subjects being discussed at a 3 day neuroscience conference in Hobart.

-ABC News

Giuliani is GONE!

Neocon, Rudy Giuliani has finally ended his campaign to be the Republican presidential candidate. After a dismal performance in the Florida primaries, Giuliani, a GW Bush on Viagra, is bowing out before he embarrass himself anymore. He left us with these parting words: 

"During 911, I stood up with my fellow New Yorkers and we defeated the Muslim terrorists. Now as we continue to bomb and kill the terrorists abroad, 911 keeps us focussed on why terrorism is so dangerous. The 911 terrorism experience has taught me that another terror attack like 911 from extremist Muslims is possible and if we forget 911 then another Muslim terrorist cell could cause another 911. 911 was the day terrorism changed us ... 911 was a terror attack that no pre 911 world could imagine. Since 911 and after 911, terrorism remains our biggest threat and unless Muslim extremists and terrorism is stopped, 911 will be a terror type 911 terror that only a 911 non terrorist could imagine. 911 terror and terrorism like 911 is terror Muslim 911 terrorist plot of terrorists Muslims like 911, for example, being mayor terror Muslim 911 or terrorist 911 Muslim threat is 911 terrorist bomb 911 Muslim"

Media Interest

I sent out dozens of emails lately to politicians and the media asking them to answer a simple question. Do they support a heroin trial? Surprisingly I have only received 4 responses. Phillip Adams, Andrew Bartlett, Andrew Bolt and Christian Kerr.

Maybe they just don't care?  I am guessing there are some who don't want to touch such a dirty subject but a more likely reason is that I am just small fry and probably not worth replying to. What really surprised me though was the bloggers who didn't reply. Are they really that busy or important not to answer? Who knows ... maybe it is such a side issue to most people, it's really not worth a reply. Interestingly though, I have collated quite a list of people who have spoken out but they are mostly politicians or lawmakers.

If you are in the media or a blogger or even a polly and you're reading this, c'mon give me an answer ... I need to know.

Who Supports a Heroin Trial?

Diary: That Dark Feeling

DIARY: I woke as normal feeling a bit flat, thought about how heroin would make me feel better and then got on with the day. I had so much work to catch up on and the pressure of only one paying job made my work laborious. By mid morning I felt even worse and I noticed my methadone had not really kicked in so when luchtime came around, any normality that I was going to experience for the day had definitely gone. I eagerly made lunch hoping that some food and an episode of Bill Mayer's Real Time might pick me up. It didn't except for the funny moments in Real Time and I went back to work after 15 minutes. I thought maybe pouring through the online newspapers might inspire me but that was the worse idea I had. I went to the Herald-Sun and waiting for me was a huge police mugshot of Wayne Carey and some headline about Carey's fall from grace or the shame Carey had brought on himself. It was just sickening ... so much hyped up moralising and typical media parenting from some bunch of holy noble knobs. Then Andrew Bolt ... man he's a fuckhead ... always antagonising, always moralising, always looking for an angle, forever obdurate. Cynical of anyone thoughtful or clever, demoralising those who want to fix this crumby world and give it some shine, always on the lookout for those naive losers who feel we need to balance our natural resources. How depressing. Next newspaper, there's Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church wanting to picket Heath Ledger's funeral with "He's in Hell" banners. There's The Daily Telegraph wanting to explain dual diagnosis / mental health and drug addiction in a few paragraphs that will help Amy Winehouse get better. There's bozzo, Christine Nixon dribbling about something else that makes no sense but somehow a few of the newspapers turn it into a national referendum question. Oh stop right now ... no more. Things did get worse during the day but finally I was able to get some medication. I don't care about cutting back anymore just like I don't care about dropping my methadone. If I had the money I would simply go off methadone and use heroin. My life would become so much more manageable and the dark feeling of depression would be replaced with a level of normality that I crave for so bad.

Obama on Drugs

Obama on Drugs Barrck Obama won the Democrats South Carolina primary today by a whopping 54% It was double that of closest Democrat, Hillary Clinton at 27% I was starting to think Hillary was going to continue her romp to the November election as the Democrats candidate and probably president of the US. What a relief! Hillary is just more of the same we are used to in American politics and being a democrat no longer means what it used to. The need for America to vote in some fresh blood and usher in some change is not just a slogan but a reality. With Blair and Howard gone, there needs to be an even bigger clean out of the nation that dictates so much world influence. My main hope is that the bizarre 'War on Drugs' gets to be properly debated as a growing power base has started to question the tactics that have failed so miserably. Obama has stated publicly that he doesn't want to legalise drugs but has hinted at revisiting the US policy. I have no idea if full legalisation would work but something has to be done and with the exception of Republican, Ron Paul, no other presidential contender would make any positive changes. Obama has admitted to using drugs several times and is often quizzed about his book "Dreams From My Father". He wrote that he had used marijuana and cocaine. He said he had not tried heroin because he did not like the pusher who was trying to sell it to him. "I had learned not to care," he wrote. 

"I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though. ..." 

("Blow" is a street name for cocaine. "Smack" is slang for heroin.) 

At Central High School in New Hampshire, he was asked to give the students a sense of his "human side," and what his life was like when he was in school. 

"I will confess to you that I was kind of a goof-off in high school ... I made some bad decisions that I've written about. There were times when I got into drinking and experimented with drugs ... There was a whole stretch of time when I didn't really apply myself a lot." Jay Leno asked him in Dec. 2006 if he smoked marijuana. 

"Not recently, that was in high school" Obama responded. Leno then asked, "Did you inhale?" alluding to Bill Clinton's famous dodge. "That was the point," Obama said.

I find it easy to like this man. He is not afraid to tell the truth and approaches subjects like drug use completely in contrast to other US politicians. In 2001, Obama questioned the tough penalties for drug dealing, pointing out that selling 15 tablets of Ecstasy was the same class of felony as raping a woman at knifepoint.

And this common sense discussion that must have had the conservatives ranting... We need to tackle the nexus of unemployment and crime in the inner city. The conventional wisdom is that most unemployed inner-city men could find jobs if they really wanted to work; that they inevitably prefer drug dealing, with its attendant risks but potential profits, to the low-paying jobs that their lack of skill warrants. In fact, economists who've studied the issue--and the young men whose fates are at stake--will tell you that the costs and benefits of the street life don't match the popular mythology: At the bottom or even the middle ranks of the industry, drug dealing is a minimum-wage affair. For many inner-city men, what prevents gainful employment is not simply the absence of motivation to get off the streets but the absence of a job history or any marketable skills--and, increasingly, the stigma of a prison record. We can assume that with lawful work available for young men now in the drug trade, crime in any community would drop. -Source: The Audacity of Hope, by Barack Obama, p.257-259 Oct 1, 2006 Interestingly, Obama does not want to lower the drinking age from 21 to 18. The other titbit of information is that amazingly, Obama is a cigarette smoker. I have not seen a political leader admit to being a smoker for a long long time. I am sure this will become a key issue if he wins the Democrats pre selection. How can someone run a country if they are so weak that they can't even give up cigarettes? or if he can't give up nicotine ... can he give up his drugs? We'll see.

Diary: A few Hours of Normality

Diary: 

Today I realised something. I was able to quantify how long I felt normal for ... one - two hours. After taking my methadone at 9:05am, I was feeling the best I would feel all day at 10:30am. This is where I sit in front of my PC and try to soak up as much good feeling as I can before it runs out. Today I was more tired than normal so I nodded off a few times. I think I try to do this subconsciously because snapping out of a nod is like waking up from a 15 minute 'power nap'. You get about 5 seconds of being super refreshed before the reality of chores ahead start filling your thoughts.

I use this time to do work normally but being the weekend, I get to catch up on some favourite sites and try to focus on this feeling of well being. I watch the time carefully realising the more you watch time, the slower it gets. I get disappointed when 30 minutes fly by as it is getting closer to the dark cloud arriving that takes away my elated feeling of normality. Well it's nearly over now and I can feel that familiar cloud of depression approaching. It's like when you have had a few drinks ready for a big night and you have to go home. There is some kind of disappointment that one more drink would fix until it's time to leave again. It's like having a bad toothache and taking a pain killer. As the pain killer takes hold, you can feel actual relief. It's a great relief from the pain and you can feel the waves of relief working until the pain is gone. After a few hours, you start to feel the pain again. Waves of the opposite this time ... waves of pain breaking through. Each time the pain breaks through you desperately wait for it to go away and the pain killer takes over again. This gets less with each cycle until you are back to the misery of pain. This is my day ... everyday.