Diary: More Depression

Diary: Another depressing day...

I am getting deeper into depression. By midday I am coming down from my methadone and normality starts turning into hurt. I have started going to bed for about 30 minutes each day instead of having lunch. I then spend my afternoon panicking about money and bills. I try to work but I haven't had any new business for a while now so I work on the freebies or the on going jobs I have already been paid for. I have nothing coming up until Feb next year so I am wondering how I am going to pay the mortgage and other bills. I also owe a bit and have some payments I have postponed for way too long. They will come knocking before Xmas. Funny how I keep hearing Howard's echos, "Australians have never been better off...".

I helped a friend get some grass the other day. She gave me the money and I gave it to the grass girl who then had a complication with her pregnancy and went to hospital. My friend wants her money and I have to pay it out of my pocket. It's only $120 but I don't have that at the moment. Usually something would come in but I don't even have enough for us. She rings me needing her money and I can hear the disappointment in her voice when I tell her she has to wait a few more days. This hurts. I owe my neighbour $100 as well and he really needs it too. I am having to pretend I'm not here until I get some cash. This not what I expected from my life in my forties.