DIARY:I like Xmas... My Xmas is much like anyone's I suppose. There's food ... way too much food, wine/beer, family, presents, wearing your new presents and smack. Oh, maybe not the smack for most. I don't use everyday because I am on methadone and I still have to resort to aiming for abstinence. On special days, I get to use. My birthday, Xmas and any other day that I can convince Angela is important enough.This year was going to be my first Xmas alone. Angela and I had a falling out and she told her family it's over between us so any function involving her family doesn't include me. My side of the family were going to my Father's for Xmas but I also have had a falling out with one of my brothers and I could not go there. I was getting used to the idea of spending Xmas alone when my other brother announced he was not going to Dad's and asked me if I wanted to go to his place for Xmas lunch. So once again saved from the stereotype of being a lonely junkie spending Xmas alone.What are the other users doing? I always wonder if they think like me or if they are in my position when it comes to Xmas. I am asking other users what they did for Xmas and to give us a glimpse of how they spent their day.
Well this year it was very difficult, I had quit one job and then started a new one. So money was just not here! The job i quit well lets just say i just got my paycheck yesterday December 27th! So I think she did that on purpose! and then my new job well i only got one week of pay! which was like $300 but I had other obligations first besides xmas presents!
I feel that I always jip my son out every year cause his birthday is January 2nd! and I always tell him oh well I'll get you a great birthday present instead! I just feel horrible!! but I do it. He is 16 so he understands (I guess). Anyway the clinic that I go to, they gave me 2 presents to give him but they were pathetic! a little plastic football and some game for a 5yr old! I have to say though it is good that I am clean and not on dope this year for xmas! And last year I was clean also so that is good! But I need to just budget my money better! Like I said I was in between jobs! But I really dont celebrate any special way! I know if I was still out there - I really would not have cared what day it was whether it was xmas or not?? ya know?? but I do have to say ... I am glad that i am clean!
Note: Sara was on 115 mg and previously 260 mg. This is her second attempt at detox.
This Xmas is my first in many years, 11 to be exact, where I was totally straight. Yip I never used an illegal substances not even dope. It was better than I could have hoped for. I've been on meth for 10 months now. This is my 3rd attempt & I so badly wanted it to be different. The times before, like so many other users on meth, I would use on occasions like Xmas, birthdays etc. to buy a bit of much wanted smack & get wasted. I'm sure that's why eventually I'd end up a full time user again. When it gets in your head even for a day it slowly starts to eat u up again. Anyway enough of that. I had 2 wonderful Xmas days this year. One on the 23rd at my families & Xmas day with my partners (This was his first straight Xmas in 15ish years). To wake up & not need to reach for the foil is amazing, instead we unwrapped gifts, ate great food & actually got to appreciate the wonderful flavours. We could afford to spoil our families with gifts & most importantly for them we were healthy, happy & wanted to be there. We didn't need to rush off to score. So in years to come I will be able to look back on 25th Dec 2007 with fond thoughts & great memories & I hope with every bone in my body it is the first of many happy, straight Xmas's to come!
Christmas came in Colorado in snow flakes and frosted windows and within a warm glow of a fireplace. There was candy and children laughing. I could feel myself like I have never felt before. I was aware. I didn’t close my eyes. I didn't wish it to go away - I kept them open. My behavior wasn’t confused. My vision wasn't constricted. I held onto my pride and when I drifted away at night suffering didn’t follow in the morning. My eyes watered, my hands shook - But because this was a new feeling. Not because it was that old feeling of the invested crawl that follows even into Christmas day. Heroin doesn’t have a calendar.
My Christmas last year was spent in rehab and before that I was by myself. Two Christmases were spent in the Hospital. I don't even remember dates anymore. But I was lucky Christmas came those years. My past holidays were to the point of a blur, not even worth a thought or remembering, and certainly not worth mentioning. Close to a decade I lived that way. Even though this Christmas had its problems I could see my face. I spent Christmas with my boyfriend of eleven months and he is a beautiful man. Even when his family wasn’t that kind to the "rehab girl" a failure in their minds I am sure - he stood by me, held me, and wiped the tears away. The best thing I got for Christmas was a blanket that told me together we can do anything. I have to agree. But if he lets go of his grip - I feel I will fall. Even Addicts have feelings, and they have Christmas wishes they want filled too. They do want good things for you, for them, for everyone. They do have people they love and they want to be loved. They do see the world around them more clearly then people think. I do wish Christmas was magical. Like Christmas morning in childrens eyes. But it is not. So blessings to all those that need them. Hope you and all had a beautiful Christmas.