Diary: Getting Paid, Xmas Shopping & Well Being

Diary: A Small Reprieve...

My client is finally coughing up the lousy $300 and I have had another job extended worth $400. So I get to live on for another week."

I'm wondering if anyone reading this thinks I am a whinger when others have it so much worse than me? It's all relative I suppose. Fact of life: someone is always better than you, better off than you, smarter than you, funnier than you, more likeable than you and someone is always not as good as you, worse off than you, dumber than you, less funnier than you, less likeable than you. If i got a job, i would bring home about $600-$1000 clear each week. This would solve my financial problems and take away so much stress and depression. 

Diary: Cheated...

Well, its Saturday morning and we get up and checked our bank account and guest what. Yep, both the promised payments have not been paid. Today was such an important day to get paid. I had spent our last $50 on methadone and literally only had $2-3 dollars in coins. We had no food for our pets, enough for maybe a week of meals if we used every last can, egg, slice of bread etc., half a packet of smokes, no petrol, no ... everything.

Diary: Saved...

Angela checked the bank on the internet and I asked her who paid. She said to guess. "First client" - "no". "Second client" - "no". mmm aghhh, I got it, "No client" - "no". I don't get it. Funny enough, another client paid. They paid an invoice 2 weeks early and luckily we were saved.

Diary: My Importance...

Am I that unimportant that clients would just not pay me even though they knew how vital it was to me. Without getting into details, I had done so much more than I was being paid for and continued to give 110% and all I wanted was to be paid. One client has had my invoice for 3 months and received another one 10 days ago with a note from a director to settle my account. Next a phone call from me just annoyed the accounts bitch as she told me there were invoices before me that need to be paid. I mentioned sending it 3 months ago but she overrode me with "anyway we pay suppliers on Fridays" and hung up. I felt like an insect. I do really good work and offer service like no other developer but she doesn't see this so I am just another whining pest to her.

Always being short of money means I have to constantly ring clients chasing money. Some accounts people are great but some are just rude, nasty pieces of shit(PoS). A piece of shit is left over waste that really smells ... the useless gunk that is excreted through an arsehole. People avoid shit as much as possible. When you are considered a pest by a piece of shit, it's really degrading. I am not getting used to it but planning revenge is my way of coping with such disdain. I dream up scenarios where I tell the PoS a horrific tale of whoa that the missed payment has casued. This accounts PoS who didn't pay me this weekend will probably get a dish of my revenge ... served cold. I think I am going to tell her my 9 year old daughter can't go to her mother's in Perth because the payment was supposed buy her a plane ticket. I will be in hospital over Xmas and she will now have to spend Xmas at her Grandfather's retirement village. It is going to be the worst Xmas ever for my daughter. All her presents are in Perth and she is going to miss Santa. I can hear the sobs already and I really, really hope it fucks up her day. I am going to explode about how deceitful she has been and how much it has effected a little girl who will miss out on a normal Xmas. That's my plan at the moment but will probably change tomorrow. 

Diary: Xmas Shopping...

Shopping is like military service. Angela is a veteran soldier but I am not. After 3 hours, my feet hurt, i was sick of dodging robot shoppers, I could no longer wait in queues and now I was hanging out. Luckily with this early payment I was able to score when I got home. My awful day finished with shot of heroin that took away the abnormal feelings after shopping all day and replaced it with a sense of well being. I got a bit high this time feeling slightly euphoric for about 10 minutes. After that I gladly made a beautiful roast and settled down to some prime time DVDs. 

Diary: Well Being...

The feeling of well being is a pleasure I crave and it costs me $150 each dose. Luckily for most people it is free and is the normal I so desperately desire. I dream about the day when long term addicts like me can buy clean, cheap medication. I can only imagine starting off each day with my medicine and topping it up once or twice each day. This might seem extreme to some but remember most heroin addicts don't get high anymore just normal. Before heroin I was always on a natural high but that started to slip into drinking binges or sometimes speed weekends. Now I just want a normal life. I want the right to feeling normal and well being. 

Is that too much to ask? Considering other countries already do this for people like me. The only thing making my life not worth living are some people in Canberra who I don't know. I wish I could just sit down with them and explain how miserable thousands of addicts are because of propaganda spewed out by religious nutters. I wish I could convince them to spend just 30 minutes researching it on the internet. Such a simple action would save my life.