Monday, 12 November 2007

Diary: Depression

Most mornings, I wake up feeling like crap. My ribs ache, my back hurts and I feel flat. Very flat. I sit on the bed for a minute and think of heroin then I push myself to move on and think about my day. My day is the same everyday. Get up and drive Mrs Wright  to work, go to the chemist for my methadone then come home. Make coffee, feed my cuties (my dogs) and the cat. Then work. I do this 7 days a week except weekends where I don't have to drive Mrs Wright to work. 

On weekends, I watch my downloaded TV shows first thing in the morning whilst waiting for my methadone to kick in. At the moment it's Prison Break on Saturday and Bones/Desperate Housewives on Sunday. Today is particularly bad. I am waiting for some money from a client and I hurt all over. Mrs Wright senses something is up but she knows there is nothing she can do. "Are you all right?" "Yup" Usual Q&A. 

I worked all morning on a job that was paid for months ago. I get a lot of this. I finish a job but the client wants a few changes. If I like the client and they are a small business or low budget government organisation, I do it for free. Often though it goes on for months and I am increasingly get more of these situations. 

Later in the afternoon, I check my bank account and the clients payment has gone through! Oh yeah!, I think ... Fuck this, I gotta get normal. So I go and score. $150 for .4 of a gram. That's more than the price of gold. 

Anyway I come home and go through the ritual. Close the blinds, mix up, shoot up. No music so I can concentrate on getting some sort of high. It never comes. I just feel normal for about 20 minutes. Then the come down... reality. I just blew $150.


Anonymous said...

I always thought if you take away the value of drugs by leagalizing them then users don't have to commit violent crimes to pay for their addiction. No more street shoot outs because of drugs!

Chris said...

I don't bother using anymore since being on Methadone minimizes any high I might have gotten by doing so. I finally figured out I was just wasting my money. There's got to be a better way. I am so depressed.I have been on the pink handcuffs for 6 yrs and have decided this is the year to detox. Down to 93ml from 125 so far. And already feel like crap. There's got to be an answer. I truly believe depression is and was the culprit for my picking up in the beginning, and I know it will just get worse as I detox. Ah happy days ahead, yeah right?

Terry Wright said...

Thanks for your comment Chris.
Have a look at my article, I am Sick:

You probably have what many of us have. Common ol' depression. It makes us really bad people doesn't it. Especially when we try to treat it.

banjojunkie said...

Im detoxing methadone at home and I want to know if zanex,soma,or clonipin will help that much.Ive never been addicted to anything but heroin so Im not to worried I'll end up addicted to the pills since I dont like the way they feel. I think they will help the withdrawl just for the simple fact that they are drugs that sedate and relax,but in a different way than opiates.Also ,I have a medical script for marijuana which I dont use very often cause I barely have the money for methadone or heroin.Im using small amounts of heroin and no methadone so I can get methadone out of my system a little more before stopping the heroin completely.Im not going to take the pills until I stop taking the heroin.Do u think that using the H instead of methadone for a while will make the withdrawl a little less intense.Ive heard that the methadone is harder to kick casue the symptoms are more severe.Thanx for ur time

Terry Wright said...

Howdy BJ.

You are doing what I would do except I would be using those pills now to numb the withdrawal pain. Also a blood pressure medication like Clonidine will help with the heavy heart beating and is often used for opiate withdrawal. Be warned that all these meds slow down your respiratory system so take it slowly.

I do think methadone is harder to kick than heroin and I hear that quite a bit from users. I actually know some users who have kicked methadone via heroin.

Just note that this is what I would do BUT you should get proper advice from a drug & alcohol doctor.

Be careful and good luck.